🔼: [[⭐️ Emotions]], [[🕯️ Self-Stewardship]] #### Emotional Regulation A term referring to our ability to hold and feel through our emotions, to metabolize emotional charge, to create an inner and outer space where we can tend to our feelings from within our [[💡 Window of Tolerance|Window of Tolerance]], without getting overwhelmed by them or [[🛡️ Emotional Suppression|🛡️ shutting them down]]. Regulation expands our capacity to hold our emotions — to learn what they’re trying to tell us, or maybe to just let them flow. It has nothing to do with trying to stop them, they're too important for that. So, ”regulating” means doing something that supports ourself to come back to a steadier, more balanced state, something that helps our nervous system settle and hold the feelings more gently. We’re staying with our feelings, but helping to soften their intensity. Rather than feeling less, we’re widening our container in order to feel with more spaciousness. The goal is not to be calm, serene, or unbothered all the time, it’s not even about feeling happy or content. It’s simply the capacity to meet with our authentic emotional experience, pleasant or unpleasant, to receive their messages, and do the next wise and loving thing. Numbing our emotions doesn’t make us feel better, it just makes us worse at feeling. Our emotions have a lot of important information for us, we want feel them, or at least move in the direction of feeling them. So this is not about trying to make ourselves feel better, but *to get better at feeling*. This leads to a healthier, more fulfilled, and ultimately happier life. --- Our emotions are teachers. They point toward our [[⭐️ Needs]], [[⭐ Values]], [[💡 Desires|Desires]], [[💡 Wants|wants]], [[💡 Strengths and Weaknesses|strengths, and weaknesses]] *if* we’ve learned to receive their messages. Obviously we can’t hear anyone who isn’t allowed to speak, but it’s also possible for a voice to be so loud that we can’t really hear it. Feeling [[💡 Emotional Dysregulation|dysregulated]] or [[💡 Overwhelm|overwhelmed]] is painful and depleting; it can knock us on our butts for days or weeks or months and tempts us to lean into [[🛡️ Emotional Suppression]]. --- [[💡 Overwhelm|Overwhelm]] and [[🛡️ Emotional Suppression]] are opposite extremes of a spectrum; the more overwhelmed we are, the more our [[💡 Reactive Protectors|Reactive Protectors]] will want to numb us. The more numb we are, the louder and more overwhelming other [[💡 Parts|parts of us]] will have to be in order to get our attention. Emotional Regulation helps us find the sweet-spot between [[💡 Overwhelm|overwhelm]] and numbing so that we can learn from our emotions. --- We want to give all [[💡 Parts|parts of us]] a space to be expressed and be met with [[☀️ Compassion]], care, and attunement [[🔑 All Parts are welcome exactly as they are|🔑 exactly as they are]]. Emotional Regulation helps us be reachable, which tends to lead to one of three things: - Some part of us knows they’re seen, heard, or felt. Their message is received, so they‘re able to soften. Once we answer the phone and receive the message or have the conversation or meet the [[⭐️ Needs]], the phone can stop ringing and the part can stop calling. - We’re able to see the [[⭐️ Needs]], [[⭐ Values]], [[💡 Strengths and Weaknesses|strengths, and weaknesses]] our emotions are signaling or responding to, and then respond with wise and loving action. This might look like [[⭐️ Self-Care]], or [[🔑 make aligned and compassionate decisions|🔑 making more compassionate and aligned choices]], setting [[🕯️ Boundaries]], making a plan, [[⭐️ Community Care#🦮 How to know when you need help, and how to ask|🦮 asking for help]], or any number of things. - We’re able to hold them with [[☀️ Compassion]], even just by [[🕯️ Being With]] them, so that they can soften, shift, metabolize, release, or expend *in their own time*. ###### Keys to Emotional Regulation - [[🔑 Breathwork can be either Presence-led or Parts-led]] - [[🔑 Meditation can be either Presence-led or Parts-led]] - [[🔑 Emotional Regulation can be Presence-led or Parts-led]] - [[🔑 Emotional Regulation is not the end goal]] - [[🔑 All Emotional Regulation is Co-Regulation]] - [[🔑 Emotional Suppression is often mistaken for Care]] - [[🔑 Pain and difficulty cannot be avoided]] - [[🔑 Make aligned and compassionate decisions]] - Most of what we usually hear described as "Regulation" is actually [[🛡️ Emotional Suppression]]. --- There are two kinds of emotional regulation: [[🕯️ Self-Regulation]] and [[⭐️ Co-Regulation]]. We need both, and we all have a unique balance of needs between the two. --- ###### Discerning when to regulate emotions and when to take action 1. [[💡 Overwhelm|Overwhelm]]: If emotions feel overwhelming or are clouding judgment, it might be a good time to wait until we’re regulated to make a choice. 2. Clarity: When emotions are balanced, it’s easier to think clearly and decide on the best course of action. 3. Physical Signals: Pay attention to physical tension, restlessness, or fatigue. These can signal the need for regulation. 4. Context: If immediate action is required for safety, take action. If not, focus on calming first. ###### See Also - [[🛠 Pendulation Toolkit]] - [[🕯️ Tending to feelings]] - [[🦮 How to Soothe Triggered Parts]] - [[🦮 How to make decisions]] - [[☀️ Equanimity]] - [[💡 Resilience]] [^1]: