🔼: [[Organizing Principles]] #### Equanimity > "The best thing one can do when it's raining is let it rain." > – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow >"*Things are as they are.*" >– Equanimity prayer > **The Guest House** > > This being human is a guest house. > Every morning a new arrival. > A joy, a depression, a meanness, > some momentary awareness comes > as an unexpected visitor. > Welcome and entertain them all! > Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, > who violently sweep your house > empty of its furniture, > still, treat each guest honorably. > He may be clearing you out > for some new delight. > The dark thought, the shame, the malice. > meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. > Be grateful for whatever comes. > because each has been sent > as a guide from beyond. > — Rumi Equanimity is inner-hospitality. It’s a kind of unforced, friendly acceptance, allowing, or (keeping our) "cool." It's our ability to welcome both outer and inner experience, allowing our reactions to them to come and go without judging them (positively or negatively), clinging to them, or pushing them away. This is a major component of [[🕯️ Mindfulness|mindfulness]] and one of the [[Qualities of Presence ☀️]]. Equanimity is letting our inner rivers flow instead of damming them, because blocking them leads to stagnation and [[🛡️ Emotional Suppression|🛡️ suppression]]. But if dams are already there, [[🔑 Presence does not bypass Protectors|🔑 we don’t tear them down all at once]]—that only causes [[💡 Overwhelm|flooding]] and [[🔑 If bypassed, protectors can and often will retaliate|🔑 backlash]]. Instead, equanimity means being with our inner waterways as they are, neither *anxiously* trying to escape them nor *rushing* to change their course ([[🛡️ Emotional Foreclosure]]). But equanimity is not indifference nor resignation. When our circumstances are depleting, when we’re suffering inside, [[🔑 Mindfulness is essential, but not enough|🔑 simply being aware of it isn’t enough]]—some things need tending to. Equanimity doesn’t mean watching the river dry up or overflow without response. It means tending to it with care—knowing when to let things flow, when to clear debris, and when to reinforce the banks. It means recognizing the real issue and responding wisely—perhaps by redirecting resources, seeking support, or making necessary changes. It isn’t about surrendering to suffering, but about meeting it without panic or [[🛡️ Denying|🛡️ denial]]. To enact change that is neither avoidant nor forceful, but attuned to what is truly needed. - [[🔑 Acceptance is a prerequisite for change]] - [[🔑 Presence is effortless and always here]] – if we're efforting to be equanimous, we're blended. - [[🔑 We have no obligation to cope with what we can change]] > [!Example] > Let's say someone is rude to us and then our [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector]] responds with [[💡 Anger|anger]]. > > - We might say, "I'm so pissed off I'm about to start throwing things," in which case we're [[💡 Blending|blended]] with the [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector]]. > - We might be [[💡 Blending|blended]] with a different [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector]] who wants the angry one to go away: "I shouldn't feel this way," or "Oh, this is bad, I need to calm down." > - A third [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector]] might argue with them, defending our right to be angry. > - Others might join in, form teams, and argue over whether we should be angry or whether we have any right to be. We start "arguing with ourselves" in a [[💡 Polarization|polarization]]. > - There may be yet *another* [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector]] who tries to anxiously mediate the argument and decide which side wins. > > [[💡 Presence]] is able to notice and simply be with these [[💡 Parts|Parts]] with a kind of [[☀️ Compassion|☀️ loving]] acceptance, without needing to change or [[🛡️ Fixing and Advice Giving|fix]] them – because [[🔑 All Parts are welcome exactly as they are]]. Such acceptance reduces our [[💡 Parts|Parts]]' suffering and allows us to take appropriate action, [[🔑 Decrease the reactivity of and re-harmonize the inner system, so that we can respond rather than react|🔑 for our Parts, rather than from them]]. ##### [[🛡️ Presence-ing|🛡 Self-like]] Equanimity vs True Equanimity [[🔑 Equanimity is not passivity or resignation]]. Nor is it about pushing acceptance or suppressing [[💡 Parts|Parts]]' or their emotions. But it does require some degree of [[🕯️ Unblending]]. - [[🔑 We are all blameless]] - [[🧘 Mindfulness Meditation]] - [[🕯️ Mindful Moments]] - [[🕯️ Being With]] ###### [[🛡️ Presence-ing|🛡 Presence-like]] Equanimity [[🛡️ Presence-ing|🛡 Presence-like]] equanimity can be difficult to distinguish from the true equanimity of [[💡 Presence|Presence]]. Confusing the two is often completely accidental — because they look so similar, there is often real truth in both, and [[🔑 There are no bad Parts|🔑 all Parts have benevolent intentions]]. The key difference is that, like all [[Protector Strategies 🛡️]], **[[🛡️ Presence-ing]] is driven by a change agenda**. [[💡 Presence|Presence]] can [[🔑 All Parts are welcome exactly as they are|🔑 welcome all Parts exactly as they are]], but a [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector]] can't. [[🛡️ Presence-ing]] [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] use equanimity to suppress, [[🛡️ Fixing and Advice Giving|fix]], or soothe [[💡 Parts|Parts]] or to talk them out of their feelings in order to [[🔑 Protectors are dedicated to maintaining their idea of safety, balance and homeostasis|🔑 keep us or other people safe and emotionally regulated]]. [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] may offer statements associated with equanimity with the intention to help, and sometimes this can help [[💡 Parts|Parts]] relax and allow [[💡 Presence|Presence]] to embody. But they can also turn equanimity into [[🛡️ Spiritual Bypassing]] or [[🛡️ Emotional Suppression|emotional suppression]]: - "This is the way it has to be." - "All the events have lead up to now." - "It's no use fighting the past." - "Fighting the past only blinds me to my present." - "The present is the only moment I have control over." - "It's a waste of time to fight what's already occurred." - "The present moment is perfect, even if I don't like what's happening." - "This moment is exactly as it should be, given what's happened before it." - "This moment is the result of over a million other decisions, some of which had nothing to do with us." - "Things are the way they are." - "Things were as they were." - "Things will be as they will be." - "Nothing is personal." These phrases have real truth to them, but not for [[💡 Burdens 🪨|Burdened]] Parts still trapped in the past. For them, it's still present. ###### Weaponized Equanimity Sometimes a [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector]] can use equanimity to [[🛡️ Manipulating|manipulate]] and [[💡 Gaslighting|Gaslight]] another person into accepting abusive or exploitative treatment. For example, if we confront someone who abused us they might start reciting equanimous truthisms: “It happened, it was always going to happen. There’s no use in arguing about it now. We should accept it and move on.” This might be confusing because our [[🕯️ Boundaries|boundaries]] have been violated and because it feels unresolved – a [[💡 Parts|Part]] of us is still hurt. And yet, another [[💡 Parts|Part]] might say, "Yeah, but...isn’t it true? Aren’t they right?" This can lead to suppressed emotions, and staying in a dangerous, abusive, or low-nurturance situation or [[⭐️ Relationships|relationship]]. Remember: [[🔑 Equanimity is not passivity or resignation]]. Our [[💡 Parts|Parts]] don’t have to accept mistreatment; *[[💡 Presence|Presence]]* accepts [[💡 Parts|Parts]]’ response *to* the mistreatment and can set [[🕯️ Boundaries|boundaries]] – forcefully, if necessary. [[🦮 How to Get Out of a Low-Nurturance Environment]] [[🦮 How to Conclude a Relationship]] ###### See Also - [[🛡️ Criticizing]] - [[🛡️ Blaming]] - [[🛡️ Spiritual Bypassing]] - David Hawkins’ Letting Go technique [^1]: Unified Mindfulness