🔼: [[💡 Stress Response]] ##### Fawn[^1] Fawning is when we go along with someone else’s wants, beliefs, or needs when we don’t actually want to and feel stressed or overwhelmed by it. It’s draining and requires some kind of recovery. We binge-eat, we scroll, we hide. It’s also not our fault — [[🔑 we are all blameless]]. It’s [[🔑 Protectors are dedicated to maintaining their idea of safety, balance and homeostasis|🔑 trying to keep us safe]]. Service, on the other hand, might involve helping someone when we’d rather be doing something else, but it’s coming from a place of compassion and generosity. Pretending to feel like we’re enjoying every moment of helping when we’re actually feeling stressed about it is fawning. [[🕯️ Integrity]] and authentic [[☀️ Connection]] are energizing. - [[🔑 Tell and act the truth]] - [[🔑 We have a right and responsibility to say No]] - [[🔑 We have no obligation to cope with what we can change]] - 🔑 We're prioritizing attachment over authenticity. %% The food and hospitality industries are built on Fawning. - We might avoid people in order to avoid Fawning. %% [[🔑 Parts can use our minds and bodies to get or distract our attention|🔑 Fawning isn’t who we are]], it’s something our [[⭐️ Body|bodies]] and [[💡 Parts|Parts]] are doing ([[🛡️ Freeze]] + [[🛡️ Performing]]). Beneath the giving, the [[🛡️ People-Pleasing]] and [[🛡️ Performing]], there is discomfort, force, tension, and stress. We say yes externally when our bodies and [[💡 Parts|Parts]] are saying no internally. Most adults do this to keep their [[💡 Attachment Theory|Attachment]] needs met. - It’s involuntary, reflexive, not a conscious choice - What we’re expressing or doing is the opposite of how we really feel - There’s stress and tension while doing it - The body or a part of us is shutting down our truth while pretending to agree or go along with another’s ###### Addressing Fawning The first step to addressing Fawning is recognizing it. Fawning is not meant to be noticed by either the one being fawned to **or the one fawning**. The better we can get to know these parts of us, the more we can help them. The one being fawned to isn't necessarily hurting us or meaning to, but this involuntary response reinforces behaviors in other people. For example, our fawning toward someone who’s constantly texting us (which might look like immediate responses) might give them the impression that we *want them* to continue. - [[🛡️ People-Pleasing]] - [[🛡️ Codependency]] - [[🛡️ Masking]] - Self-Abandonment / Self-Erasure - Agreeing to avoid conflict - Self-rejecting, not being [[Self-Inclusive|Self-Inclusive]] - Struggling to say no - Suppressing our own [[⭐️ Needs]], wants, [[💡 Desires|Desires]], [[⭐ Values]] - Over apologizing - A lack of [[🕯️ Boundaries]] - Intense fear of abandonment - Excessive [[🛡️ Caretaking]] doing things for others that they can do for themselves - Overthinking social interactions, worrying if people are mad at you - A constant fear of getting into trouble, of people thinking you're bad - Being a "chameleon" in relationships, deferring to others for making decisions - Not knowing your interests, preferences, or opinions. - Trouble setting [[🕯️ Boundaries]] and speaking needs. - Fear of Abandonment - [[💡 Shame]] - Saying yes when you want to say no - Seeking praise and approval - Making drastic sacrifices for others - Partnering with people who are emotionally unavailable - Seeking praise and approval - Self-Sacrificing ###### Symptoms of Fawning - Social [[💡 Burnout|Burnout]] - headaches - shutdown - [[🛡️ Emotional Eating]] - binge watching - [[🛡️ Isolating]] [[💡 Disconnection]], [[Disorientation and Disconnection|Disconnection]] %% When you have a friend over for a few hours and you "had such a great time" yet you are spent, tired, frustrated, and need to avoid people for hours or days...you are most likely fawning. This is because fawning is a forced engagement strategy. It's meant to be reserved for situations where our lives are in danger and people-pleasing the aggressive or predatory individual helps relax them enough so we can eventually escape. Situations like: - being robbed - being assaulted - being kidnapped - growing up in an abusive household - domestic abuse - power dynamics especially around finances Fawning, forcing ourselves to give our time and attention to people we don't want to engage with, or even just giving more of it than we want to to people we do like, can become our normal way of experiencing friendships and relationships. ###### Sexual Fawning - Having sex when we don’t want to - Pretending to enjoy it when we aren’t - Telling someone we had a great time when we didn’t - Performing sex acts that turn us off or disgust us while pretending to enjoy it And with sexual fawning, it's even deeper because it involves the most intimate parts of your body and heart. It's a forced sexual engagement with someone, prioritizing their needs above yours and, usually, not even knowing how to feel your sexual boundaries or needs. Common symptoms include: - becoming more asexual as time goes on - experiencing numbness in your genitals and belly area - feeling stress in response to being sexual - dissociating during sex - gravitating to coping mechanisms after sex - experiencing painful sex - forcing arousal and erections with drugs, porn, and imagery when you're not feeling aroused In this world of trying to navigate sexual trauma, assault, unwanted advances, and the desire to be sexually liberated and free - it is imperative we learn about sexual fawning. %% The second step is to stop and feel the discomfort, to notice whatever [[💡 Parts|part of us]] that wants to prioritize the other person and send them some love and care. ![[💡 Reactive Protectors#Working with Reactive Protectors|Reactive Protector]] [^1]: Various posts and articles from Somatic therapist Luis Mojica of Holistic Life Navigation