##### Heather’s Story At seven-years-old Heather was bullied at school for wearing dirty clothes. After that day her seven-year-old self took on the [[💡 Burdens 🪨|Burden]] of her unresolved shame and humiliation and became an [[💡 Exiles|Exile]]. To protect Heather from ever feeling those [[⭐️ Emotions|emotions]] again a [[💡 Proactive Protectors|Proactive Protector]] emerged who to this day compels Heather to always look her best even after the bullying is long forgotten. ^a04b61 We might wonder, *why did Heather not stand up for herself?* [[💡 Anger|Anger]] sometimes motivates [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] to retaliate against mistreatment, but many children are taught that anger is impolite, scary, or bad. For many of them, the protectors who use anger become [[💡 Protectors-in-Exile|Protectors-in-exile]], and without that protection Heather was vulnerable to her bullies. ^16a31f At twenty-four-years-old Heather was at a restaurant with a friend who pointed out a stain on her favorite shirt. Heather's [[💡 Proactive Protectors|Proactive Protector]] failed to keep her looking her best, so more than being slightly embarrassed her [[💡 Exiles|Exile]] was triggered and Heather was suddenly [[💡 Overwhelm|overwhelmed]] by the same pain and humiliation she felt when she was seven — all without knowing why. ^df91d3 To [[🛠 Self-Soothing|soothe]] her triggered exile a [[💡 Reactive Protectors|Reactive Protector]] compelled Heather to order several expensive cocktails and a much heavier meal than she'd intended. The food and alcohol might have numbed the [[💡 Exiles|Exile]], but Heather was drunk and nauseous, and the night was cut short as Heather had to be driven home by her friend. ^ded790 The next morning Heather woke up hungover and bombarded with [[🛡️ Criticizing|inner-criticism]] from another [[💡 Proactive Protectors|Proactive Protector]] for her [[💡 Reactive Protectors|Reactive Protector]]’s behavior: "This is why nobody wants to hang out with me. I *always* drink too much and then someone has to drive me home and then drive me back to my car the next day. And now I feel sick because I ate like crap because I'm an idiot and we didn't even get to stay out that long and now she probably thinks I'm crazy and I've wasted the weekend. This can never happen again." Heather's shaming [[💡 Proactive Protectors|Proactive Protector]] became [[💡 Polarization|polarized]] with her drinking and over-eating [[💡 Reactive Protectors|Reactive Protector]]. ^HeathersProtectorsBecamePolarized Not long after, Heather's [[💡 Exiles|Exile]] was triggered at another outing, but her [[🛡️ Criticizing|criticizing Proactive Protector]] would not let her [[💡 Reactive Protectors|Reactive Protector]] order heavy food and drinks. Heather sat with her [[💡 Exiles|Exile]]’s [[💡 Anxiety|anxiety]] for several minutes as it intensified, and so was too [[🛡️ Distracting|distracted]] and [[💡 Overwhelm|overwhelmed]] to be present with her friends. Eventually the [[💡 Reactive Protectors|Reactive Protector]] couldn't stand to watch Heather suffer anymore and escalated — they compelled Heather to eat and drink *even more* than last time, and the next day her [[🛡️ Criticizing|criticizing Proactive Protector]] was even more ferocious. The [[🔑 Polarizations create vicious cycles|polarization created a vicious cycle]]. ^c52a5f ```mermaid graph TD A[The well-dressed Proactive Protector is bypassed] B[The Exile is triggered] C[The Inner-Critic Proactive Protector forbids the drinking and overeating Reactive Protector] D[The Exile's pain escalates] E[The drinking and overeating Reactive Protector escalates to compensate] F[The Inner-Critic Proactive Protector escalates] A --> B B --> C C --> D D --> E E --> F F --> A ``` All the while, Heather’s other [[💡 Parts|Parts]] polarized against her inner-critic, seeing them as an inner-enemy to be silenced, gotten rid of, or even eliminated. ###### How IFS Can Help Heather For Heather, healing through achieving [[The Goals of Internal Family Systems]] through [[💡 The IFS Process]] might look like: 1. Learning to [[🕯️ Unblending|unblend]] and getting to know Heather’s [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] via [[💡 The 6 Fs of Internal Family Systems|the 6 Fs]], helping her realize… - …her well-dressed [[💡 Proactive Protectors|Proactive Protector]] protects her from her [[💡 Exiles|exile]]'s pain. - …her drinking and over-eating [[💡 Reactive Protectors|Reactive Protector]] makes the pain stop as soon as possible. - …her [[🛡️ Criticizing|critical Proactive Protector]] protects her from future hangovers, from being unhealthy, from being abandoned by her friends, from missing out on fun weekends, and ultimately from *outside* criticism. - …[[🔑 There are no bad Parts]]. 1. [[🦮 How Polarizations soften and resolve|🦮 Resolving the polarization]] between the drinking and over-eating [[💡 Reactive Protectors|Reactive Protector]] and [[🛡️ Criticizing|criticizing]] [[💡 Proactive Protectors|Proactive Protector]], putting an end to their [[💡 Vicious Cycle|vicious cycle]]. 2. Bringing angry [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] out of exile so they’re available to protect Heather when she needs to stand up for herself. 3. Helping Heather's seven-year-old [[💡 Exiles|Exile]] to [[💡 Unburdening|unburden]], allowing her [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] in this [[💡 Part Constellation|Part constellation]] to soften or perhaps stop doing their jobs.