🔼: [[⭐️ Emotions]], [[🕯️ Love]] #### Anger Anger arises to tell us that something isn’t right, that something bad is happening and a [[💡 Parts|part of us]] is giving us the energy to fight or protest it. It helps us maintain our [[🕯️ Boundaries]], or know that we’re being mistreated or that we're wounded and need to do something internally or externally. Reclaiming our anger is a way of viscerally reclaiming our self-worth. Our body is telling us we deserve better. It can also take over, where we lose the ability to see others or ourselves with [[☀️ Clarity]]. It can be part of our [[💡 Fear|fear]] response. It can cause violence and tribalism. It has to be tempered, though also honored for what it has to teach us and wisely choose what to do with it. We need to feel and honor our anger in order to find and honor our hurt and fear. Beneath anger there is always care. Anger motivates us toward change. For example, [[💡 Anger|anger]] is commonly feared or even demonized and there may be some [[💡 Parts|part of us]] that feels like anger is bad. But if we learn to attune to our anger from a place of [[☀️ Curiosity]] we may find that it’s telling us we’re feeling disrespected, or taken advantage of, or encroached upon. Anger is a defensive and protective emotion, It lowers our capacity to feel pain and allows us to engage in conflict to protect ourselves. Anger is a healthy and normal response when it’s used to protect our [[🕯️ Boundaries]] from being violated. If we are being disrespected and we [[🛡️ Emotional Suppression|🛡️ suppress]] our anger, we’re not going to take action to stop the disrespect, we’re just going to allow it and take no action to improve our situation. the anger builds, and we suppress it again, and this carries over to other facets of our life which keeps us stuck because anger has been [[💡 Exiles|exiled]] and is not allowed to motivate us toward change. Inappropriate anger comes from unmet expectations or shoulds (territory we’ve claimed but don’t actually own), a sense of deservingness or entitlement, being owed or expecting a return. These are the moments when one might say we “don’t have a right to be angry.” - [[🔑 We have a right and responsibility to say No]] - [[🔑 We don't have to forgive in order to heal]] - It's okay to be angry, anger is not good or bad - Anger is [[🕯️ Love]] >"Now, as a child, now, notice that formulation, bad temper. Now, if we didn’t call it a bad temper, what we would be seeing would be a child who is angry about something. Why are we judging that as bad? [...] you’re looking at it from whose point of view [...]? The adult's. > >But you’re not looking at it from the child’s experience, which is what matters here. From the child’s experience, there’s something happening that is deeply frustrating them. There’s some need that’s not being met, It’s not a question of bad temper. > >So people who say that they had happy childhood, that there was no trauma, they’re looking at it from the adult point of view. But they’re not looking at it from the child’s point of view," >— [[👤 Gabor Maté]][^1] ###### Protector Anger vs Exile Anger Anger does not **always** come from a protector, it can also come from our [[💡 Exiles|Exiles]] — [[🔑 All Parts can experience all emotions]]. Anger is sometimes used by a [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector]] or a [[💡 Protectors-in-Exile|protector-in-exile]]. Without it, we may become [[☀️ Vulnerability|vulnerable]] (to exploitation, illness, dissatisfying relationships) because our [[🛡️ People-Pleasing|people-pleasing]] [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] have anger locked away. Protector anger is *always* protective — in *reaction to* something. Ask the part what they're afraid will happen if they don't get angry. To an exile, this question won't even make sense. They're just mad, furious over what's happened to them.[^2] ###### 🦮 How to Tend to [[💡 Anger|anger]] and [[Rage]] Meet the anger with love and care. [[🕯️ Tending to feelings]]; sometimes the feelings are too strong to just feel them and let them be. So we can channel them. - [[🕯️ Journaling]] – let the anger speak! Putting your feelings into words isn’t always easy and writing may not be your go-to technique, but if your mind is spiraling with angry thoughts, dumping them all out onto paper can bring some peace. It doesn’t have to be a big ordeal – even just typing a stream-of-consciousness note on your phone during a quick bathroom break can help calm your mind. - Physical activity. - Punching bags, pillows, screaming. - Throw something something can be helpful in the immediate moment. Throw a ball or rocks if you have enough space. Throw something soft (like balled up socks or a roll of toilet paper) against a blank wall or an apple into the woods – feed da birds. - When you can feel anger boiling inside you, yelling into a pillow or in your car or somewhere others won't hear you or freak out can pull you out of a blind rage. - Put on some music that has anger in it – even if the artist’s anger is different from yours. Channeling your own feelings into the song and expressing that fury can help release some of your own anger. - Dancing to express your emotions, especially when they are so powerful that you can physically feel them in your body. Dance to angry music, happy pump-up music, or no music – just get that excess energy out. - High energy exercise, like boxing or sprinting. You can search for free workout videos online or do your own thing, but make sure to push yourself and give it your all if you’re looking for that anger release. It might feel silly but yelling or grunting while working out might even help you exert more energy. - Print out that email that set you off or write down the things that are upsetting you. Then scribble all over it, tear it up, or put it through the shredder. - Artwork or [[🛠 Visual Journaling]]. Art is often a powerful way to confront your big feelings and turn them into something beautiful. Let go of your work being “good” – allow yourself to create solely to express yourself. Do what feels good rather than focusing on what will look good. - Talk to someone who is willing to let you be angry. - Get together with some friends and decide you’re going to be mad together. - [[⭐️ Life Curation]]: When you can’t quiet your thoughts, a change of scenery – even just going into the next room or stepping outside for five minutes – can disrupt the track that your mind is on. - [[Emotional Venting]]: You can always vent to a trusted friend, but sometimes it feels better to pretend you’re talking directly to the person you’re angry at. Pick an empty chair, imagine they’re sitting in it, and yell, scream, or tell them exactly why you’re so mad – whatever feels best to you. - Change your breath. - Walk away. - Change your expectations. Why did you expect x thing in the first place? Focus on the actions without an expectation of outcomes. Do something because you want to or because you believe it’s the right thing to do, not because you want to be owed something. We don’t have much control of anything. Why did I expect this? When did this expectation arise? Not about deserving or effort, but control. - Stay curious about emotions, ask “Where are you coming from? What do you want me to know? Help me understand.” Anger is often a response to or protection against hurt. We might ask, “How was I hurt?” Really hear and listen to it. Understand the anger. Anger is a form of [[🕯️ Love|Love]]. It means something we care about is being threatened. Ask yourself “What do I care about that’s being threatened right now?” Act. Meeting our anger with love allows us to uncover our [[⭐ Values]]. The anger transforms into strength and energy that can create more love in the world. Keep in mind, venting and expressing anger (catharsis) is not the same as processing it. When we notice the relief that comes with catharsis, that is reinforced as a viable [[Protector Strategies 🛡️|Protector Strategy 🛡️]]. We still have "anger issues," they're just directed at objects instead of people, which is still better. Another suggestion is to practice [[🕯️ Mindfulness]], [[💡 Play|play]], [[🛠 Progressive Muscle Relaxation]], [[👟 Asana Practice]], or maybe [[🕯️ Part-Tending]] to meet with the parts who feel it. If you’re working to manage your feelings in a healthy way but it just seems impossible, take a [mental health screen](https://screening.mhanational.org/screening-tools) – you may be dealing with symptoms of a mental health condition. ###### See Also - [[💡 Resentment|Resentment]] [^1]: [[📖 ✅ Embracing All of You - Compassionate Inquiry Meets Internal Family Systems]] Session Six: Spiritual Discovery and Realization of Self/True Nature [^2]: [[📖 ✅ IFS Online Circle]] Month 2: The Protective System & Fears of the Protectors - Month 2 with Toni