🔼: [[💡 Attachment Theory|Attachment Theory]] ##### Disorganized (Anxious-Avoidant) Attachment[^1] One of three types of "insecure attachment" that might happen in response to insensitive and/or rejecting parenting. - [[🔑 Insecure Attachment Styles are triggered by signals that our brain interprets as a sign of danger]] ###### Characteristics - People with Disorganized Attachment are often unaware or dismissive of their own thoughts, wants, and needs until there's some kind of crisis. Then they feel angry and overwhelmed. - They've never felt safe in the world, in their skin, or with others because people have abused or neglected them. - They have a low frustration tolerance, low self-esteem, and are prone to [[💡 Emotional Dysregulation|emotional dysregulation]], going from flat to frantic or flat to furious. - Often have characteristics similar to [[💡 Borderline Personality Disorder|Borderline Personality Disorder]] or [[🛡️ Codependency]]. - Can be clingy or controlling and need reassurance, then suddenly dismissive and avoidant when [[Fear of Abandonment|Abandonment Anxiety]] is triggered. Likely experienced inconsistent, chaotic, [[🛡️ Abuse|abusive]], [[🛡️ Neglecting|neglectful]] environments throughout their life, so their stress response system is dysregulated. They can go from flat, numb, okay with things to terrified, furious, and frantic quickly. When they think they're about to be rejected, they can get extremely clingy – otherwise they might become dismissive. - [[Rejection Sensitivity]]. Rejection meant not getting our [[⭐️ Needs]] met when we were younger, it meant physical and emotional devastation. - May not communicate, [[💡 Thoughts|thoughts]], [[💡 Wants|wants]]/[[💡 Desires|Desires]], and [[⭐️ Needs]] and then feel rejected or neglected when they go unmet. A part of us says people are supposed to meet those thoughts, wants/desires, and needs, but a [[💡 Parts|part of us]] (or perhaps more than one) is convinced its unsafe to communicate them. - [[💡 Emotional Dysregulation|Emotional dysregulation]]. We didn't learn how to [[⭐️ Emotions#Emotions Inventory|identify]], [[💡 Emotional Regulation|regulate]], and [[🕯️ Tending to feelings|🕯️ tend to our emotions]], and so we’re sometimes inconsolable. We may not want to be held or comforted; we may feel out of control and not know what will help us feel safe again. - While [[💡 Emotional Dysregulation|dysregulated]] they may have Impulsive, aggressive behaviors ([[💡 Reactive Protectors|Reactive Protectors]]). Could be toward themselves, could be suddenly breaking up with a partner, [[🛡️ Addiction or Dependence]], [[🛡️ Self-Harm]]. ###### Causes - Parenting: - The caregivers were insensitive, rejecting, inconsistent, verbally or physically aggressive, chaotic, fear-inducing - They either weren’t aware of or responsive to our [[⭐️ Needs]] - They weren’t encouraging. They might not have helped with difficult tasks or might have gotten frustrated quickly. Scolding, name-calling. They often had unrealistic expectations for our independence and performance or skill, which taught us we were never good enough or always too needy. We might have taken on a [[💡 Burdens 🪨|Burden]]: "I'm not good enough," or “I’m too much.” - They didn’t provide safety and/or comfort. - Verbal comfort without physical comfort. "You're okay, but I'm not going to touch you." - Physically comfort while mocking or criticizing. "Why are you so useless?” while holding us. - They might have sometimes tried to comfort us briefly and then shame us for how we feel when it didn't immediately settle us. - They might have responded appropriately one time and then were insensitive or ignored us the next. ###### Interventions to move toward [[Secure Attachment]] **We need to...** - …feel safe in our present context. to feel like we have agency, like we have control over how much we tell others and how far and how fast we go. - …recognize how our relationship behaviors developed in response to a rejecting, neglectful, or abusive environment. - …learn to recognize and have [[⭐ Self-Compassion]] for our thoughts, wants, and needs instead of [[🛡️ Neglecting]] and/or [[🛡️ Criticizing|🛡️ judging]] ourselves. "Okay, this is scary for me. Okay, it is what it is. What can I do?" [[🕯️ Self-Stewardship]]. - …learn about [[⭐️ Emotions]]: develop our emotional awareness (how to recognize and name them), practice [[💡 Emotional Regulation|Emotional Regulation]], and learn to [[🕯️ Tending to feelings|🕯️ tend to our feelings]]. We didn’t learn these things because we weren't safe to express our feelings. - …learn to develop genuine [[💡 Relational Intimacy|Intimacy with others]]. **Practices** - [[🕯️ Journaling]] about the facts in the present context. What is *actually* happening vs what we're expecting based on past experience. What do I know vs what am I assuming. - Nonjudgmental journaling and discussion (with a safe person) about thoughts and feelings. Many of us with disorganized attachment aren't aware of our own [[💡 Thoughts|Thoughts]], [[💡 Wants|wants]]/[[💡 Desires|desires]], and [[⭐️ Needs]]. It's important to start connecting with them. - Noticing our [[💡 Trigger|triggers]]. The things that trigger our [[Fear of Abandonment]] and insecurity. [[🧘 Trigger Practice]], [[🕯️ Fire Drill (You-Turn)]]. - Process by seeing what's actually happening in the present moment and [[💡 Grief|grieving the past]]. Really look at and recognize what was going on back then and come to a resolution through the grief. This gives the past less power in the present. [[🕯️ Tending to feelings]], [[💡 Witnessing|Witnessing]]. - Distress tolerance (not suppression) skills: TAGS - Thoughts and self-talk - Activities - [[🕯️ Breathwork 💨]] - [[🕯️ Grounding]] - Guided Imagery - Sensations - [[🕯️ Pendulation]] from something overwhelming to a strong, controllable sensation (like [[🛠 Ice]]?) - Take steps to develop friendships. Friendships can heal attachment issues, but not everyone is ready. [[🔑 Go at your pace]]. This will likely be slow-going because we learned that people are at best not trustworthy and are at worst actually aggressive, threatening, abusive, or neglectful. - Set and respect [[🕯️ Boundaries]] while getting or giving reassurance that it's not rejection. ([[👤 Heidi Priebe]] has a video on this called [When Boundaries Hurt](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFdeBHcGubY)) ###### "Best" relationships - Secure [^1]: [Doc Snipes | 5 Signs of Disorganized, Anxious or Avoidant Attachment](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJDg9I-LeMM)