🔼: # Heartbreak The two most common pieces of advice someone might give us are that we should either "Stay busy," or "Sit in it." The truth is somewhere in between. We want to [[💡 Reflection|Reflect]], but avoid [[🛡️ Ruminating]]. The point of reflection is to get some sort of insight — on ourself, the other person, mistakes we may have made, what we'd do differently in the future, what we'd do the same, what we lost and what we didn't lose. If we're gaining insight from the reflection, we can continue. If we're becoming depressed or catastrophizing, set it aside even it means using [[🛡️ Self-Distraction]]. Rumination doesn't teach us anything, we just repeat a thought dozens of times. - It's not the duration of time, it's the hope. 1. Accept that the breakup was the right thing to do, and that it's happened. 2. Accept that we can't control anyone but ourself. 3. Our self worth isn't tied to the opinion of another person. It can't be measured by external factors at all, because [[🔑 There are no nouns, only verbs|🔑 those factors are always changing]]. Self worth is [[💡 Effortless Value|inherent]]. There will always be someone who can't see your worth. Don't ever let that person be you. 4. Learn to let go and move on. 5. Trust that the future will be okay. More than that you'll find someone else, but that you'll be able to get everything you need when we let go of our need for other people's approval. We become [[🛡️ Codependency|🛡️ Codependent]] and cast someone in a role they couldn't possibly fulfill, a kind of idolatry. 6. Let go of the idea that we always know what's best for us, and open up to advice. Stop beating ourself up, stop [[💡 Shame|shaming]] ourself. 1. Don't beg. They know where to find you. You can't beg someone to be with you and you shouldn't have to. 2. Don't stalk. When you look at their pictures or contact them, you risk falling back into the spiral. 3. Don't make any big decisions. Give yourself time to grieve and then decide when you actually feel ready. 4. Don't [[🛡️ Blaming|Self-blame]]. It probably wasn't entirely your fault — it takes two. 5. Don't be spiteful. It doesn't help you heal to badmouth your ex. Whiteny Goodman has some good alternatives [here](https://www.instagram.com/p/CPESQYpjClg/). - Try to find some ways to fill your time. And don’t be surprised if you cry or those activities bring up memories. - Distraction isn't always a bad way to help yourself heal. Just make sure the ways you’re distracting yourself aren’t harmful. Too much partying, or even exercising, can end up hurting you more than the breakup. - There is no timeline for this. Try to stop telling yourself that they’re over it way faster than you or that you should be over it. - I know this may seem morbid, but sometimes the best thing you can do is pretend that this person is no longer alive. (I know this isn’t possible for people who share children). But if it is for you, you may have to pretend that you cannot text them, call them, or look at their social media. - Give yourself a break when feelings come up that seem “weird.” It’s natural and normal to compare a new person you’re dating to an ex or to be reminded of things from a previous relationship. You’re also going to have highs and lows. - It’s not a competition and no one needs to “win the breakup.” The more you try to [[🛡️ Performing|🛡️ perform]] that you’re doing well, the harder it gets. Focus on you. One day at a time. - Spend time with other people who are single. It’s not that your other friends don’t have value, but spending 24/7 with couples or families often isn’t ideal when you’re trying to heal. - Take an Aspirin, or cayanne pepper? - Be very gentle with yourself - Attune to [[💡 Parts|Parts]] and their [[⭐️ Emotions|emotions]] if it feels safe enough. - Protect your [[⭐️ Sleep]] - [[🕯️ Journaling]] - [[🕯️ Movement Practices 👟]], to give the mind less responsibility and lean on the [[⭐️ Body]]’s wisdom - Shift to [[🕯️ Gratitude]] - Lift your mood with positive, empowering [[🛠 Music]] - Let go of your [[🛡️ Projection]] and [[🛡️ Fantasizing]] - [[⭐️ Rest and Restoration]] - [[🦮 How to navigate life changes]] - [[🌿 Lemon Balm]] - [[🌿 Hawthorn]] - [[🌿 Lavender]] ###### Heartbroken If your heart is breaking, for any reason, remember that heartbreak is a misnomer. That your heart is not broken, it’s working, alive, responsive, appropriately feeling toward the situation. Don’t let it break you down, let it break you open. Instead of letting it frazzle and debilitate, let it land, soften you, tenderize you toward the preciousness of all life, the importance of all beings, of [[🕯️ Love]] and [[☀️ Compassion]], respect for all life. Set your [[🛠️ Goals and Intentions|intentions and aspirations]], and then act *from* this place. ###### Related - [[💡 Romantic Relationships]] - [[⭐️ Relationships]] - [[💡 Attachment Theory]] - [[🛡️ Addiction or Dependence]] [^1]: