🔼: [[⭐️ Emotions|Emotions]], [[Symptoms of Unresolved Trauma|Symptom of Unresolved Trauma]] ##### Shame S.H.A.M.E. = Should Have Already Mastered Everything %% Shaming another is "denormalizing." %%" Shame is the experience of having our apparent badness witnessed, either by other people or other [[💡 Parts|parts of ourselves]]. It’s the feeling of needing to change, disconnect or hide ourselves or what we want or like in order to stay connected with other people. It's an [[⭐️ Emotions|emotional]] belief that some [[💡 Exiles|Exiles]] have about themselves, which our [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] often remind us of – that we are wrong, broken, defective, unlovable, disgusting, unworthy. These are [[💡 Burdens 🪨|burdens]], and our [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] organize themselves around doing everything they can to minimize the chances of us experiencing shame. Shame attacks our moral character, it tricks us into believing that we’re inadequate if we fall below societal or cultural standards, which are made up. [[☀️ Confidence]] is part of our true nature — shame is taught to us. Shame is a covering-up, a bandage that makes the wound worse. [[🔑 Protectors often accidentally bring about what they want to prevent]]. Shame is a combustable [[⭐️ Emotions|emotion]], meaning when shame and a fear of abandonment are around our [[💡 Reactive Protectors|Reactive Protectors]], especially those who use [[💡 Anger|anger]], [[rage]] and [[🛡️ Criticizing]], are likely not far away. > [!example] Examples > ###### Shame Constellations > - "Don't speak up, you're awful at public speaking." A [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector]] reminds us of an [[💡 Exiles|Exile]] who feels shame. > - We look in the mirror, cringe, and quickly look away or adjust ourselves. A subtle [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector]] reminded us of the pain we felt after being shamed for the way we looked, another has us look away from the mirror to get away from the [[💡 Exiles|Exile]] who feels it, and another [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector]] tries to improve our appearance so it won't be triggered again. > > ###### Shaming Statements > - "I'm so stuck in my head!" > - "You're so defensive." > - "You have so much potential." > - "You're privileged, your life isn't even hard." > - "The Secret" is a movement to blame people for what's happened to them, that we've "manifested" our misfortune. ###### Keys - [[🔑 Shame creates the Shadow]] - [[🔑 Shame can deter, but not motivate]] - [[🔑 Blame is an attempt to make sense of experience]] - [[🔑 Guilt is about what we do, Shame is a mistake about who we are]] - [[🔑 Most burdens revolve around shame]] - [[🔑 Qualities of Self reverse the effects of shame]] - [[🔑 Laziness does not exist]] - [[🔑 Presence-Sabotage does not exist]] - [[🔑 Our symptoms and illnesses are never our fault]] - [[🔑 All Parts are welcome exactly as they are]] - [[🔑 Everyone everywhere is doing their best all the time]] - [[🔑 We are all blameless]] - [[Shame and addiction create a vicious cycle]] - Shame both feeds and is dispensed by [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] who use [[🛡️ Criticizing]]. - Our [[💡 Amygdala]] floods the brain with [[Norepinephrine]] and [[💡 Cortisol]], funneling our resources to survival pathways. - It's typically something we're burdened with in childhood — long before we actually did anything wrong. A socially acceptable way for men to process shame is [[Rage]]. - Nothing we accept about ourselves can ever be used to hurt us. - Shame evokes the urge to hide. To isolate. To exile. [[💡 Witnessing|Witnessing]] with [[☀️ Compassion]] reverses shame. In the face of compassion, shame ([[💡 Burdens 🪨|burdens]]) cannot survive. - One of the most effective ways to *stop someone* from making a positive change is to shame them for what they’re doing now. Shame is like a glue that stops us from blooming. ###### The Anatomy of Shame[^1] The creation of shame involves three roles: - The Victim - Anyone who has experienced injury and had that pain [[💡 Gaslighting|Gaslighted]], dismissed or [[🛡️ Denying|🛡️ denied]]. Just being hurt doesn't create shame – it just hurts. But if we're hurt and told it's our fault, that it never happened, or that it happened because something is wrong with us, it creates shame. - The Perpetrator - Someone whose [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector Parts]] have injured us in some way, physically, emotionally, verbally. - A person - A family dynamic - A collective, culture, or religion - One person or collective can be both perpetrator and shaming witness. - The Shaming Witness - Teaches us to not trust ourself or our experience. They treat us, our difficulties, and our pain that [[💡 Burdens 🪨|Burden]] us with the feeling that something is wrong with us or that we don't matter. They convince us that we are not good, smart, worthy, or important and need to change, fix, or heal something. It can be one-time, or over time, or ongoing. [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector Parts]] often accept and internalize their judgments and then search out a way to "fix" what's wrong with us or treat ourselves ([[⭐️ Needs]], [[⭐️ Emotions]], [[⭐ Values]], our life itself) as if we don't matter. They take on the role of the Shaming Witness. - [[💡 Gaslighting]] - [[🛡️ Denying]] - Dismissing - [[🛡️ Blaming]] - [[🛡️ Criticizing]] - "it's not that bad, you're exaggerating, that didn't happen." ###### The Anatomy of UnShaming[^1] - the victim experiences an injury but is not haunted by shame, because there is a loving witness to acknowledge their pain with non-judgement, compassion, and an impulse to protect. - The UnShaming [[💡 Witnessing|Witness]] treats every part of you as though it is incredibly important. They believe you and your story. They affirm and nurture every feeling you have in response. They trust that the answers to every problem is buried within you. ###### Working with Shame - [[🧘 🎧 Richard Schwartz - Heart Meditation]] - [[🧘 Loving-Kindness (Metta) Meditation]] - [[🧘 📺 Tara Brach - Healing Shame]] - Both building [[💡 Resilience|resilience]] and self-acceptance so that shaming statements can't do the damage they used to. - [[💡 Witnessing]] - Stop treating your [[⭐️ Emotions]] as problems. - Stop seeing [[Symptoms of Unresolved Trauma]] as an illness. - Stop framing insomnia, eating patterns, [[🛡️ Procrastinating]], [[🛡️ Addiction or Dependency|addictions and dependencies]] as only something to fix. - Stop trying to correct, fix, or ‘heal’ everything in you. Just make contact with all of it and see where it goes. ###### Related - [[🦮 How to work with Inner Critic Constellations]] - [[☀️ Compassion]] - [[💡 Guilt]] - [[🛡️ Perfectionism]] - [[🛡️ Learned Helplessness]] - [[🛡️ Addiction or Dependency]] - [[💡 Reactive Protectors]] - [[💡 Protectors-in-Exile]] - [[💡 Burdens 🪨]] %% - [9 Random Examples of Shame - Patrick Teahan](https://youtu.be/GcuokuF24kk?si=2zPtg05HHAtJm0ci) [^1]: The Anatomy of Shame by David Bedrick