🔼: [[💡 Protector Parts]], [[🛡️ Emotional Suppression]] ##### 🛡️ Avoiding Spending a lot of time and energy zigzagging around and away from whatever it is that already feels like it’s consuming us. It often feels like torture,[^1] and it's actually more difficult than [[🕯️ Generative Conflict|conflict]]. We dislike certain feelings and then try to manage a situation to avoid the circumstances that bring the feelings up. Avoidance can look like incessantly working to manage parts of our life in order to feel like we’re really doing something when it’s actually [[🛡️ Self-Distraction]] and avoiding taking action on what‘s really stressing us out. We’re not facing our fears or doing what scares us, we’re running away and that makes them scarier. Avoidance can be a sign of emotional fatigue or even [[💡 Burnout|Burnout]], that we need [[⭐️ Rest and Restoration]]. When we confront or attend to something, it resolves and disappears. When we avoid it, it lingers and compounds and grows as our inner-resources are depleted through constantly thinking about and avoiding it. And [[🔑 We are all blameless|🔑 it’s not our fault that this happens]]. - [[🔑 Be mindful of anti-North Stars]] - Life is too short to avoid and obsess. - [[🔑 Pain and difficulty cannot be avoided]] - [[🔑 Avoidance feels much worse than confrontation]] In some situations Avoidance makes good sense. Emotions such as [[💡 Dread]] tell us when Avoidance is needed. ###### How to work with Avoidance - Take that sense of shame and over-responsibility and practice [[🕯️ Dropping Hot Coals]] Above a 5/10 is probably too scary and will stir avoidance. What can we say yes to? - [[⭐️ Community Care#🦮 How to know when you need help, and how to ask|🦮 ask for help]] - [[🛠 Exposure Therapy]]; [[🕯️ Pendulation]] and [[🕯️ Titration]] - urgency, time scarcity, - [[🔑 Many choices are reversible]] - [[🔑 Acceptance is a prerequisite for change]]; stop trying to control what you can’t. Let be the things you can’t control. Turn your energy into something that will give you something back - If you're on a path to a goal and something frightening comes up that if avoided will derail you, do not avoid it. How to Reclaim Agency Without Adding Pressure 1. Ground yourself when the stress feels like too much: - Place your hands on your chest or stomach and take slow, deep breaths. - Repeat a grounding phrase like, “I am allowed to take this one step at a time.” 2. List and Prioritize - Write out everything that’s adding to your stress or [[💡 Cognitive Load|Cognitive Load]], then: 1. Identify which things are within your control. 2. Choose one small, actionable step to focus on today (e.g., adjusting how you sit with your iPad, or setting boundaries with one person). 3. Set aside what feels overwhelming for now. You don’t need to solve everything all at once. - Take responsibility for what’s in your control, and nothing else. - [[🔑 Act from capacity]], we have a limited reservoir even for the things within our circle of influence. - [[🔑 Do the next right thing]]. Consider what might be most effective to give you more of your energy and agency back (even if it’s the agency to exercise your agency). Acknowledge All-or-Nothing Thinking When thoughts like “I have to fix everything” arise, gently challenge them: - What would a middle ground look like? - How can you make incremental changes instead of overhauling everything? [[⭐️ Rest and Restoration]]: Focus on One Thing That Nourishes You Even in stress, find something that brings you joy or comfort. A walk, a warm drink, or 10 minutes of writing what feels true. These small acts remind you that life isn’t only overwhelming. [[🕯️ Resourcing]]. 4. Facing the Shame of Avoidance You don’t need to overhaul everything at once—begin with one decision that aligns with your values and builds trust in yourself. 5. Reach for Support The complexity of what you’re navigating doesn’t mean you have to do it all alone. Sharing some of these feelings with trusted friends, a therapist, or even a community of people who understand can lighten the load. It’s not weakness—it’s a step toward resilience. - [[⭐️ Community Care#🦮 How to know when you need help, and how to ask|🦮 ask for help]] it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Focus on what’s within reach today, and let that be enough. You are not powerless, even if it feels like you are right now. What feels like the smallest, most doable step you could take today? ###### Related - [[💡 Anxiety|Anxiety]] - [[🛡️ Worrying]] [^1]: [[📖 ✅ Atlas of the Heart (Show)]] Episode 2