##### 🦮 How to Connect with Unkind Protectors[^1] [[On Tools, Skills, and Practices...]] Type: Use: [[🪨 Racism]], [[🪨 Sexism]], [[💡 Protectors-in-Exile]], [[💡 Shame]] [[⭐️ Safety Tools and Resources]] The problem arises when protectors [[💡 Polarization|polarize]]. Many of us have [[🛡️ Criticizing|judgmental parts]] who send these protectors into exile because they think that if we have certain thoughts or beliefs we must be bad people, or we don't really care about whoever these thoughts are about, which can upset our [[💡 Exiles]]. But that's [[💡 Labeling (CBT)|labeling]] and [[💡 Black-and-White Thinking|black-and-white thinking]] — those protectors are burdened too. When a [[💡 Reactive Protectors|Reactive Protector]] tries to protect us from those feelings of shame by pushing these parts away, those parts become [[💡 Protectors-in-Exile|protectors in exile]], making it harder to unburden them and prevent the potential harm that burden might cause. These parts of us are young and misguided inner children, and they still deserve our guidance and love. They don't need to be sent away — they need [[💡 Presence|Presence]]. You don't have to get close to this part to notice how you feel toward it. And when another part speaks up -- like [[🛡️ Criticizing|judgmental parts]] or [[💡 Fear|fearful parts]] — you can let them know that letting you get closer to them will actually help them change and that exiling them doesn’t really work. A good first step may be to acknowledge this part's existence and commit to doing more work with someone who can help you build a relationship and work with them. Keep in mind: - This is only one small part of you, far from the whole of who you are. - It’s not some great unspeakably evil thing. Like all protectors, this one can [[💡 Unburdening|unburden]] and transform too. - There’s no shame in having this part. [[💡 Burdens 🪨#Legacy Burdens|🪨 Legacy Burdens]] are pervasive, regardless of our individual background. This is a [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector]] who is trying their best to help you, not a personal moral failure. - [[🔑 Multiple Exiles can carry the same Burden]], so it may not totally disappear after unburdening just one and that's okay — [[🔑 Progress accumulates]]. This part might simply be able to let it go of this legacy burden when they learn that it's possible. You may instead need to heal the exile(s) this protector defends before they're willing to unburden. Until you can do that, you can just be aware of them. If you find a part like this, you can meet them with compassion and thank them for trying to protect you. You can reassure them that you know they're scared but remind them, in a compassionate way, that what it says and thinks isn’t true or right. ###### Related - [[🧘 Working with a Challenging Protector]] [^1]: [[📖 🟢 No Bad Parts - Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model]] Exercise: Advanced Protector Work