🔼: [[Protector Strategies 🛡️]], [[🛡️ Fawn]], [[Instrumental Language]] ##### 🛡️ People-Pleasing People-Pleasing is a reflexive, involuntary, [[🛡️ Fawn]]-type [[Protector Strategies 🛡️|Protector Strategy 🛡️]] used when our [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector Parts]] sense that it isn’t safe to be [[💡 Authenticity|authentic]] or truthful. We’re compelled [[🛡️ Freeze]] our "no" and to [[🛡️ Performing|🛡️ perform]] a "yes."[^1] We can often feel this as a contraction in our [[⭐️ Body]] that saps our energy with time, it's a kind of draining politeness. It is protectively self-sacrificing to the point of negatively impacting our happiness, fulfillment, and overall well-being because several vital [[⭐️ Needs|⭐️ needs]] go unmet (usually) out of fear of losing a relationships where our needs are being at least somewhat met. [[🔑 Self-Sabotage does not exist]] – [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector Parts]] who people-please want us to be accepted, employed, cared for, and loved. They learn that saying or doing this or that gets desired or undesired results in a relationship, and those learnings become the dos and don’ts. This eventually leads to superficial and dissatisfying adult [[⭐️ Relationships]]. Because if we haven’t felt safe to be our [[💡 Authenticity|authentic]] selves, or even have forgotten how, we can’t be truly accepted, cared for, and loved. Considering a person's feelings, being kind or helpful, is not People-Pleasing – that's healthy [[💡 Empathy|empathy]], [[☀️ Compassion]], and respect. Having some care for other people’s opinion of us is a sign that we value our relationships. > [!example] Examples of People-Pleasing > People-pleasing is not a behavior as much as it is a *category* of behaviors. > - Tying self-worth to whether we think people like us or how useful we are to others. > - "Nice guys" > - Saying what people want to hear. > - Difficulty setting or maintaining [[🕯️ Boundaries]] > - Avoiding [[💡 Conflict|Conflict]] > - Changing or hiding our authentic selves in order to make other people feel at ease. > - Taking responsibility for another person's [[⭐️ Emotions]], at the exclusion of ours, to our detriment. > - Not speaking up when someone hurts our feelings for fear of losing connection. > - Allowing people back into our lives when they haven't changed > - Anticipating what other people need > - Apologizing when we've done nothing wrong > - Making other people our responsibility > - The inability to tolerate another person's discomfort. > - The need to be needed, for another person to be dependent on us. > - To be so [[💡 Empathy|empathetic]] that we forget how *we* feel. > - The inability to feel or express [[💡 Anger|anger]], to stand up for ourselves. > - [[🛡️ Fawn|🛡️ Fawning]] ###### Keys - [[🔑 People-Pleasing leads to resentment]] - People-Pleasing is a component of [[🛡️ Codependency]] - People-Pleasing attracts the people pleased by it. In order to find *our* people, we need to practice authenticity. - [[🔑 Conflict can strengthen and deepen relationships]] - [[🔑 We need Protectors]] – sometimes [[🛡️ Fawn|Fawning]] is appropriate to the situation. - [[🔑 We have a right and responsibility to say No]] - ###### People-Pleasing in Adulthood People Pleasing in adulthood stems from Conditional Love in childhood, including by people who claimed to love us unconditionally. When some of us upset the people around us in childhood, the danger was real – we might have been physically or emotionally neglected or abused, given the silent treatment, or some other punishment that we were powerless to escape or set [[🕯️ Boundaries|boundaries]] against. It can start from small moments, like being coerced to give affection to people when we don't want to. In the face of that powerlessness, a [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector]] arose and [[💡 Exiles|Exiled]] other parts to help us [[🔑 Protectors are dedicated to maintaining their idea of safety, balance and homeostasis|🔑 stay safe and regulated]]. When we as children were forced to suppress our [[⭐️ Emotions]] to stay safe, we became parentified – we were taking care of our caregivers' emotions. [[🔑 Protectors are parentified children]]. In adult [[⭐️ Relationships]], we have agency and we are safe to disappoint other people. But our [[💡 Parts|Parts]] can't always recognize this because they are effectively frozen in time and [[🔑 Our Parts often believe we are still children|🔑 believe we are still children]] who would be in serious danger if they didn't keep doing their jobs. It's just as real for them now as it was when we were children, because the [[💡 Exiles|Exiles]] they protect are children still. So these [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] continue working in our relationships to make sure we are accepted and liked. To save us from these intense emotions, sometimes our [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] would rather us stay silent than risk upsetting someone. We might even cling to relationships that aren't meeting our needs because giving them up for the ones we want feels selfish and dangerous to those [[💡 Parts|Parts]]. Protectors who use [[🛡️ Criticizing]] may get involved, causing more fear that any negative judgments others put on us would be right — that we are bad or selfish people. So these [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] avoid authenticity to [[🔑 Protectors are dedicated to maintaining their idea of safety, balance and homeostasis|🔑 keep us safe and regulated]]. Yet other [[💡 Exiles|Exiles]] still feel abandoned anyway because their needs for [[☀️ Connection]] and [[💡 Intimacy|Intimacy]] are unmet. We might be liked, but we may not feel loved because we aren't *really* known. We aren't known because our [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] don't feel it's safe enough to be [[☀️ Vulnerability|vulnerable]] or to voice our real needs and desires or to set [[🕯️ Boundaries|boundaries]], so we have superficial relationships instead of real intimacy. They're too young to recognize that [[🔑 conflict can strengthen and deepen relationships]]. > [!example] > A person may want to leave their [[💡 Romantic Relationships|Romantic Relationship]] and have a People-Pleasing [[💡 Proactive Protectors|🛡️ Proactive Protector]] who won't allow them to. They may have an [[💡 Exiles|Exile]] who would be triggered by their partner's assumed heartbreak. Meanwhile another [[💡 Parts|Part]] feels so disconnected and so lonely that their [[💡 Reactive Protectors|🛡️ Reactive Protector]] feels compelled to cheat on their partner in order to soothe the emotional agony. A [[🛡️ Criticizing|🛡️ Critical Protector]] might beat up on them for it and provoke a [[💡 Polarization|polarization]]. [[🔑 There are no bad Parts]]. This [[Protector Strategies 🛡️|Protector Strategy 🛡️]] is not shameful and it does not make us bad people — [[🔑 we are all blameless]]. It's a vestige from a time when we were coerced into being unlike ourselves, when we had to sacrifice our [[🕯️ Boundaries|boundaries]] for others' comfort and pride or risk abandonment or punishment. We may have learned that to do otherwise would mean we were selfish or shameful or bad. Even if we know it isn't true, we may have [[💡 Exiles|Exiles]] who carry this belief as a [[💡 Burdens 🪨|Burden]]. [[🔑 Our inner and outer worlds are not separate]] and [[✍️ we live in a traumatized world]]. Cultural and systemic structures like [[🪨 Racism]], Classism, Transphobia, Homophobia, Ableism, Sexism, power dynamics, Xenophobia, and Abuse reinforce people-pleasing on a large scale. People pleasing can be tied to an [[🪨 Inherited Burdens|🪨 Inherited Burden]]. %% ###### The Effects of People-Pleasing People-pleasing may initially seem like a way to gain approval and acceptance, it often leads to negative consequences for our mental, emotional, and relational well-being. Common effects include: 1. **Stress and Anxiety:** Constantly trying to meet others' expectations can lead to stress and anxiety as the individual worries about being liked or accepted. 2. **Low Self-Esteem:** People-pleasers often prioritize others' needs over their own, leading to a neglect of self-care and a diminished sense of self-worth. 3. **Difficulty Saying No:** People-pleasers often have difficulty setting boundaries and saying no to requests, leading to overcommitment and resentment. 4. **Lack of Authenticity:** Constantly seeking approval can result in a lack of authenticity as people-pleasers may suppress their true thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict or rejection. 5. **Burnout:** Trying to please everyone can lead to exhaustion and burnout as the individual spreads themselves too thin trying to meet others' demands. 6. **Unfulfilled Relationships:** People-pleasers may struggle to form genuine connections as their relationships are often based on meeting others' expectations rather than mutual understanding and respect. 7. Resentment: Constantly prioritizing others’ needs over their own can lead to feelings of resentment towards those they are trying to please. This resentment may build up over time and strain relationships. 8. Difficulty Making Decisions: People-pleasers may have difficulty making decisions for themselves, as they are accustomed to considering others’ preferences and opinions above their own. 9. Dependency: People-pleasers may become dependent on external validation and approval from others to feel good about themselves, leading to a lack of self-reliance and autonomy. 10. Perfectionism: In an effort to meet others’ expectations, people-pleasers may develop perfectionistic tendencies, constantly striving for flawlessness and fearing criticism or disapproval. 11. Avoidance of Conflict: People-pleasers often avoid conflict at all costs, even if it means sacrificing their own needs or values. This avoidance can lead to unresolved issues and communication breakdowns in relationships. 12. Identity Confusion: Constantly adapting to meet others’ expectations can result in a loss of identity as people-pleasers may struggle to distinguish their own desires and values from those of others. 13. **Difficulty Receiving Feedback:** People-pleasers may struggle to accept constructive criticism or feedback, as they fear it may damage their relationships or lead to rejection. This can hinder their personal and professional growth. 14. **Impaired Decision-Making:** Constantly seeking approval from others can cloud judgment and lead to poor decision-making, as people-pleasers may prioritize short-term validation over long-term goals or values. 15. **Social Isolation:** Despite their efforts to please others, people-pleasers may feel isolated or disconnected from those around them, as their relationships may lack depth or authenticity due to a focus on surface-level interactions. 16. **Physical Symptoms:** The stress and anxiety associated with people-pleasing can manifest in physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle tension, digestive issues, and sleep disturbances. 17. **Negative Self-Talk:** People-pleasers may engage in negative self-talk, constantly berating themselves for not meeting others' expectations or for prioritizing their own needs. 18. **Difficulty Setting Goals:** People-pleasers may struggle to set and pursue their own goals and aspirations, as they are often preoccupied with fulfilling the desires of others. 19. **Self-Betrayal:** Continuously putting others' needs before their own can result in a sense of self-betrayal, as people-pleasers neglect their own values, beliefs, and desires in favor of external validation. Recognizing these patterns and working towards establishing healthier boundaries and self-advocacy can be crucial steps towards personal growth and fulfillment. cultivating self-awareness, assertiveness, and self-compassion to break free from these patterns. This often requires introspection, boundary-setting, and a commitment to prioritizing self-care and authenticity. %% ###### How to Relieve People-Pleasing This can be an excellent [[🛠️ Goals and Intentions|Goal]] - Learn about [[🕯️ Boundaries|boundaries]] and how to set them - We can practice noticing [[💡 Trailheads|trailheads]] of [[💡 Resentment|Resentment]], feeling offended, or when our [[🕯️ Boundaries|boundaries]] have been crossed and then bring them up immediately before they snowball. We can do this gently by starting with something like: “I’m pretty scared to express this, and I’m not wanting to start a [[💡 Conflict|Conflict]], I just want to see if I’m [[🛡️ Projection|projecting]] right now.” - [[🔑 Don't stay where you don't want to be]]. - [[🔑 Tell and act the truth (when you can)]] - [[🦮 How to Discern a Yes from a No]] - Consider the fact that you are, in fact, a people – the only person you spend your entire life with. The only person you really *have* to please is yourself. When you say yes to others, make sure you're not saying no to yourself. - We can consider who *specifically* we’re worried about upsetting and ask what we’re afraid will happen if we don’t please them. We may find out there isn’t any one person we’re trying to please, it’s nearly everyone. - We can identify the choice most aligned with our [[⭐ Values]] and go with it — [[🔑 Trust your experience and intuition|🔑 trust your inner-compass]]. Then we lean into [[⭐ Self-Compassion]] and [[⭐️ Self-Care]] if and when uncomfortable [[⭐️ Emotions]] arise after. - If these are difficult, get to know the [[💡 Parts|Parts]] involved via [[🕯️ Parts Practices]]. ###### See Also - [[🛡️ Perfectionism]] - [[💡 Romantic Relationships]] - [[⭐️ Relationships]] - [[💡 Enmeshment]] - [[🛡️ Codependency]] - [[💡 Attachment Theory]] - [[🪨 Inherited Burdens]] - [[💡 Emotional Unavailability]] - [[Some video games encourage people-pleasing]] %% - [[🛡️ Overwork]] Over-achieving At the root of this is - a fear of and discomfort with another person's challenging emotions - difficulty tolerating rejection - low self-esteem - Fear of Conflict - Fear of authentic self-expression - Fear of saying no - [[🪨 Inherited Burdens]] - External validation, fear of rejection - [[Some video games encourage people-pleasing]] - There is no reason to accept it if you can change it. ###### Podcasts - [Codependency No More](https://www.codependencynomore.com/category/podcast/) with Brian Pisor %% [^1]: Luis Mojica