##### ๐Ÿฆฎ How Polarizations soften and resolve > [!NOTE] This section is a work-in-progress, not yet complete When our parts [[๐Ÿ’ก Polarization|polarize]] it can be easy to get [[๐Ÿ’ก Blending|blended]] with either side and fall into a cycle of [[๐Ÿ’ก Shame|shame]] and [[๐Ÿ›ก๏ธ Blaming|Self-blame]] that sends us spiraling. But our parts arenโ€™t bad for doing their jobs โ€” [[๐Ÿ”‘ There are no bad Parts]]. Our parts are not the problem โ€” their [[๐Ÿ’ก Burdens ๐Ÿชจ|burdens]] are the problem, and [[๐Ÿ”‘ Parts are not their burdens, roles, or strategies|๐Ÿ”‘ parts are not their burdens]]. When [[๐Ÿ’ก Exiles]] are able to [[๐Ÿ’ก Unburdening|unburden]], so can their [[๐Ÿ’ก Protector Parts]]. The more wounded the [[๐Ÿ’ก Exiles]], the more polarized the [[๐Ÿ’ก Protector Parts]]. Protectors are only as polarized as they need to be in order to protect their exiles, and the more polarized they are, the less they'll like each other. Some polarizations are more complicated to help than others. When we begin working with a part, polarized parts are often the first to emerge to interfere as [[Concerned Parts]]. Most polarizations have at least three parts involved: two parts in opposition with each other, and an [[๐Ÿ’ก Anxiety|anxious]] mediator. The mediator works tirelessly to decide how to handle it, who to side with, what decision to make โ€” they might make a pros-and-cons list and then try to convince one part or the other to do or not do whatever it is they think is a good idea. We can help this part understand that they donโ€™t have to figure this out โ€” that they can relax, soften, and step back so [[๐Ÿ’ก Presence]] can come in either mediate the conversation or make the wise decision. It's important to not get invested in one side of the conflict vs the other. If we find ourselves taking sides, we're [[๐Ÿ’ก Blending|blended]] with another part. ###### Step 1: Make Contact with One Side - [[F1 โ€” Find the Part]] - [[F2 โ€” Focus on the Part]] - [[F3 โ€” Flesh it out]] ###### Step 2: Detect and Unblend from the Mediator - [[F4 โ€” Feel Toward]] - This will tell you if there's a Mediator around trying to decide who you should side with. - [[F6 โ€” Learn their Fears]] - Reassure the mediator that help is on the way and that there is another way to work this out. It isn't their job to decide. - You can use your breath and tone of voice to help them relax. - Can they trust you or your [[๐Ÿ’ก The IFS Practitioner|IFS Therapist]]? Can they trust that you can sit with the dilemma and do something besides figure out what to do? A decision will come later. ###### Step 3: Access Self-Energy Toward Both Parts - Access [[Qualities of Presence โ˜€๏ธ]] toward all parties involved, even if itโ€™s only [[โ˜€๏ธ Curiosity]]. - If you aren't sure whether how many parts are involved, just ask. Stay [[โ˜€๏ธ Curiosity|โ˜€๏ธ curious]]: "Is there one, two, or more? Do they know each other?" - At this point they often look like young kids. ###### Step 4: Listen for the Non-Extreme Message of Both Sides Go through [[๐Ÿ’ก The 6 Fs of Internal Family Systems]] with one side. Every system knows exactly which order parts need to be worked with. Ask who your parts want to start with, who needs to be the [[๐Ÿ’ก Focal Part]]. Sometimes it's obvious which [[๐Ÿ’ก Parts|Part]] to start with, sometimes you can just pick one. Whatโ€™s your sense about where to focus? Separately or together? Which is more present, more urgent? Where do you feel drawn? > [!tip] Need more direction? > - If someone is โ€œwinning,โ€ start with them. > - If it's a [[๐Ÿ’ก Proactive Protectors|Proactive Protector]] vs a [[๐Ÿ’ก Reactive Protectors|Reactive Protector]], the Reactive Protector is often a better choice because they're more reactive and get you in trouble.^1 If the Reactive Protector is difficult to reach, try to work through [[๐Ÿ’ก The 6 Fs of Internal Family Systems]] with the [[Concerned Parts]]. If you can't, you're likely [[๐Ÿ’ก Blending|blended]] with a concerned [[๐Ÿ’ก Protector Parts|Protector]]. Try a [[๐Ÿง˜ Body Scan]] and [[F2 โ€” Focus on the Part|Focus on]] whatever you're aware of. Find [[๐Ÿ’ก Trailheads|trailheads]] and be with those parts. > - If it's a Proactive Protector vs an [[๐Ÿ’ก Exiles|Exile]], try to focus on the Exile. Negotiate with the Proactive Protector if you have to. When an Exile is revealed, **make sure you remember them**, let them know you will be coming back to them at some point. Ask where a safe place for them to be is until we can get back to them after talking to the other side.[^2] It's common for the other side of the [[๐Ÿ’ก Polarization|polarization]] to step in as a [[Concerned Parts|Concerned Part]] while you're getting to know the other side. Acknowledge them, hear them out, and ask if you can continue getting to know the [[๐Ÿ’ก Focal Part]] on your own. If they refuse to, they become the Focal Part for a while โ€“ do all the same steps as the first side. The original Focal Part might also step in as a Concerned Part. It's perfectly normal for there to be some back-and-forth. ###### Step 5: Validate and Negotiate When we get to [[F6 โ€” Learn their Fears]], weโ€™ll start picking up on the [[๐Ÿ’ก Exiles|Exiles]] both sides protect. - Are both sides protecting the same Exile? If so, we can ask if they knew that and notice how they react to that discovery. - Are they different Exiles? - They donโ€™t have to like each other, just to understand that the other side is also working hard to [[๐Ÿ”‘ Protectors are dedicated to maintaining their idea of safety, balance and homeostasis|๐Ÿ”‘ keep us safe and not overwhelmed]] โ€“ that theyโ€™re trying to do the same thing in different ways. The two often soften a bit here because they realize the other side isn't bad โ€“ because [[๐Ÿ”‘ There are no bad Parts]]. - Do they need their own individual time with [[๐Ÿ’ก Presence|Presence]], or do they need to speak to each other with Self as mediator? ###### Step 6: Unburden Exiles - Eventually one or both sides of a polarization will allow us to approach their [[๐Ÿ’ก Exiles|Exile(s)]] so we can go through all of [[๐Ÿ’ก The 6 Fs of Internal Family Systems]] with them. - Sometimes we can stay with one side of a polarization the whole way through, sometimes we may need to switch between one side and the other. ###### End Result In the end, we may come to a place where we can help the Exiles of both sides and complete the entire [[๐Ÿ’ก The IFS Process|IFS Process]] and thus resolve the polarization. Once a [[๐Ÿ’ก Polarization|polarization]] is resolved, the issue may vanish entirely from our lives and we are more resourced because the [[๐Ÿ’ก Exiles|Exiles]] are free and the [[๐Ÿ’ก Protector Parts|Protectors]] can either work less or come out of their jobs entirely. Alternatively we may find ourselves able to make a confident decision as [[๐Ÿ’ก Presence|Presence]], or we my find that the right decision is neither of the two options our [[๐Ÿ’ก Parts|Parts]] thought we had (see: [[๐Ÿ’ก Black-and-White Thinking]]) and can choose a third, more complex option. We don't always have to heal Exiles to get to this point. Sometimes our protectors relax just by being seen, heard, and accepted โ€“ such is the power of [[โ˜€๏ธ Connection]]. ###### Practices for Working with Polarizations - [[๐Ÿง˜ Dilemma Meditation]] - [[๐Ÿง˜ Two-Handed Polarization Exercise]] - [[๐Ÿง˜ Parts Roundtable]] > [!FAQ]- Which side of a polarization should we start with? > Every system knows exactly which order parts need to be worked with. Ask who your parts want to start with, who needs to be the [[๐Ÿ’ก Focal Part]]. > > Whatโ€™s your sense about where to focus? Separately or together? Which is more present, more urgent? Where do you feel drawn? If someone is โ€œwinning,โ€ start with them. > > If it's a [[๐Ÿ’ก Proactive Protectors|Proactive Protector]] vs a [[๐Ÿ’ก Reactive Protectors|Reactive Protector]], this is more likely to be the Reactive Protector because they're more reactive and getting everyone in trouble.[^1] > > If the Reactive Protector is difficult to reach, because of [[Concerned Parts]], try to work through [[๐Ÿ’ก The 6 Fs of Internal Family Systems]]. If you can't, you're likely [[๐Ÿ’ก Blending|blended]] with a [[๐Ÿ’ก Protector Parts|Protector]]. Try a [[๐Ÿง˜ Body Scan]] and focus on whatever you're aware of. Find [[๐Ÿ’ก Trailheads|trailheads]] and be with those parts. > > If it's a Proactive Protector vs an [[๐Ÿ’ก Exiles|exile]], try to focus on the exile. Negotiate with the Proactive Protector if you have to. When an exile is revealed, **make sure you remember them**, let them know you will be coming back to them at some point. Ask where a safe place for them to be is until we can get back to them.[^2] > [!FAQ]- Should we talk to polarized parts together or separately? > It depends on whether they're able to talk to each other. If the two sides protect different exiles, they likely canโ€™t talk to each other and will just fight. Meet each side separately, then heal their exiles. If they protect the same exile, they probably can talk together.[^3] [^1]: [[๐Ÿ“– โœ… IFS Online Circle]] Month 2 - The Protective System & Fears of the Protectors - Month 2 with Toni [^2]: [[๐Ÿ“– โœ… IFS Online Circle]] Month 4 - Conflicting but Complimentary & Direct Access and In-Sight: A Decision - Month 4 with Toni Herbine-Blank [^3]: [[๐Ÿ“– โœ… IFS Online Circle]] Month 6 - The Body & the Automation Nervous System & Putting it All Together - Month 6 with Richard Schwartz