🔼: [[⭐️ Relationships]], [[💡 Conflict]] ##### Repair[^1] While [[Apologizing]] tends to close a conversation, repair re-opens a conversation to resolve a moment of rupture, disconnection, [[💡 Conflict|Conflict]], or discord. It’s a bit like [[⭐️ Self-Regulation|⭐️ calming yourself down]], re-centering, and [[🕯️ unblending]] before going back to meet with the [[💡 Parts|Parts]] who felt so [[💡 Overwhelm|overwhelmed]]. 1. Make a mistake 2. [[⭐️ Self-Regulation]] 3. Seek out the person 4. Name what happened 5. Take responsibility for your end 6. State what you'll do differently next time | Not Repair | Repair | | :--: | :--: | | “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but I wouldn’t have if you didn’t complain all the time. You should really be grateful for what I do, then I wouldn’t get upset.” | “I’m sorry I yelled, I’m sure it felt scary and it wasn’t your fault. I’m working on staying calm even when I’m frustrated.” | The Not Repair example implies that the other person is the *cause* of our reactivity, when in reality it was our [[💡 Burdens 🪨|Burdens 🪨]] and [[💡 Protector Parts|Protector Parts]] causing it. This is not to say that other people aren’t responsible for how their behaviors impact us — [[🔑 Our parts influence other people]]. That said, [[🔑 If it's intense it's yours]]; the frustration we feel at a complaint will be much more intense if it’s also touching a wound, and *that* is not their responsibility even if it does make sense for them to apologize. We immediately apologize if we accidentally step on someone’s foot. If that foot also happens to be tender and injured, that injury isn’t our fault even if the foot-stepping deserves an apology. ###### Keys - [[🔑 Repair is one of the most important relational skills we can learn]] - [[🔑 It is never too late to repair]] - [[🔑 Repair strengthens relationships]] - 🔑 Repair strengthens the others' self-trust and thus their [[💡 Emotional Availability|Emotional Availability]] by validating their hurt and affirms their [[⭐️ Inner-Compass]] is working well and is reliable rather. ###### 🦮 How to Repair with Yourself Self-Repair is an incredible [[🕯️ Reparenting]] skill and a foundation to learning to repair with others, especially when we feel [[💡 Regret|Regret]]. It’s difficult to offer [[☀️ Compassion]] or [[💡 Presence|Presence]] to other people when we can’t offer it to ourselves, because [[🔑 Our parts influence other people]] and [[🔑 we can only love someone's parts as much as we love similar parts of ourselves]]. Protectors also frequently get tunnel vision; they often can only see other Protectors and have a tendency to [[💡 Labeling (CBT)|label]] and [[💡 Overgeneralization|generalize]]. Self-Repair involves: 1. Separating who we are from what we did, remembering [[🔑 Our inner family is an ecosystem|🔑 we are an ecosystem]] and [[🔑 We are not any one of our Parts]]. 2. Helping the [[💡 Parts|Parts]] who made the mistake [[🕯️ Unblending|🕯️ unblend]] 3. Helping other [[💡 Parts|Parts]] who might be [[🛡️ Criticizing|🛡️ criticizing]] them [[🕯️ Unblending|🕯️ unblend]] This allows us to hold space for both: - “I’m not proud of what I did *and* it doesn’t define me. I’m struggling, but I know [[🔑 There are no bad Parts|🔑 my Parts are good]]. I’m a good person who was having a hard time.” - "I wish I could have done that differently, and, at the time, I couldn't." - Forgive yourself for everything %%[[🔑 Self-Compassion doesn’t let us off the hook]]%% ###### See Also - [[💡 Forgiveness|Forgiveness]] [^1]: Dr. Becky Kennedy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHpPtdk9rco