##### F5 — BeFriend the Part[^1] Step 5 of [[💡 The 6 Fs of Internal Family Systems|The 6 Fs of Internal Family Systems]] Previous Step: [[F4 — Feel Toward]] Your [[💡 Focal Part|Focal Part]] is a part of you. They're protecting you or a part of you or they're carrying a lot of pain. This is a kid who has been with you for many years, yet you may not know one another much at all. [[🔑 Protectors need to be genuinely befriended]], and befriending your parts internally is barely any different than getting to know another person externally. It takes longer with some parts than it does with others, and some of them might think you're pretty weird for even trying – which is okay. Learn about them! What they do, how, why — you can even get an idea of who they are outside of their [[💡 Burdens 🪨|burden]] or role and discover experientially that [[🔑 Parts are not their burdens, roles, or strategies|🔑 their role isn’t who they really are]]. The goal is to get to know them, not to sweet talk them into getting out of the way or feeling better (double back to [[F4 — Feel Toward]] if you feel that agenda lingering). Parts are not obstacles to get through or get by. Your [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] protect **you** and they do so for a good reason and for many this is a thankless job. They need to **know** you care about them[^2] as much as they care about you, and [[🔑 the time we spend with our Protectors is just as valuable as the time we spend with our Exiles]]. ###### Questions Try to not bombard your parts with questions. This isn't a checklist as much as it is a list of conversational starting points – ice-breakers! Ask the questions that feel most relevant, the most magnetic, the most interesting, and feel free to use your own words. It may feel a little artificial at first, but with time a real [[☀️ Connection]] forms and [[Intuition]] takes over. Don't think your way through this, just be [[🕯️ Authenticity|authentic]]. You don't have to have some great revelation in any one interaction, just try to know them a bit better, see them a bit more clearly, feel them a bit more deeply, get a better sense of what their [[⭐ Values]] are. People rarely open up to someone they’ve just met. You're likely to learn *something* as you ask these questions. As you do, mirror it back to them to make sure you're understanding them correctly and to give them a chance to make a correction or to elaborate. > [!Example] > - If a [[💡 Parts|Part]] says they're exhausted, take a moment to let them know that you can see how exhausted they are. If you don't see that, ask them to say more about it. > - If they tell you what their job is, you might repeat it back to them to make sure there's nothing else they want to add or clarify. Just ask a couple questions and, without thinking about the answer, listen for a response. Just like people as parts become more comfortable they tend to answer bigger questions and become more animated. - How are you today? - What are you concerned about? - Have you ever felt this way before? - What’s your role here? / What do you do? / What’s your job? - How long have you been doing it? - Do you like it? - What do you like about it? - Is there anything you don’t like about your job? - What's it feel like to have this job for so long? - Is there something else you'd rather be doing? - What do you love? - If you could do anything what would it be? - What are you hoping to accomplish by doing the job you're in now? - What need are you trying to nourish? - What do you want for me? - [[How old are you❔]] - [[How old do you think I am❔]] - Is there anything you want me to know about you? - Is there anything you want me to know about me? - Is there anything you need from me in the future? - What do you want to share with me? - What (thoughts, feelings, emotional sensations) are you holding? - How can I earn your trust? By all means, ask questions that aren't on this list. Most parts are kids. I've found different parts of me have different favorite colors, just by asking. It's not going to change my world, but it's still neat. Notice how you [[F4 — Feel Toward|Feel toward]] them as they answer these questions. If you notice yourself welling up with [[💡 Appreciation|appreciation]] or [[Qualities of Presence ☀️]], tell them. Let them know you find them interesting, or that you love them — whatever it is, so long as it’s true. When you feel like you've earned their trust, you can try the next step: [[F6 — Learn their Fears]] > [!info] If the Part isn't connecting > Sometimes [[💡 Parts|Parts]] aren't all that responsive. They might not look at you or even know you're right next to them. If that happens, you can gently get their attention and let them know they’re not alone, and then just see how they react before asking a question or two. > > We might ask them: > - How do you feel toward me? > - What do you need in order to feel safer? (Whatever it is, give it to them.) > > If they still aren't responsive, try going back to [[F4 — Feel Toward]] to see if there's a part hanging around. Just be consistent, there's no hurry. Eventually a relationship will form. [[🕯️ Unblending|unblend]] if you have to and try again. > > Sometimes even without parts interfering, a [[💡 Focal Part]] may not respond at all for a while. That's normal, everyone opens up in their own time. Every part has their own tempo, just be open to the possibility of making no progress with them on any given day.[^1] Hang out with them, let them get a sense of you and size you up and get comfortable with you. Some parts just need more time. [[🔑 All Parts are welcome exactly as they are]], even if they don't feel like talking yet. With time you’ll see your relationship with this part change — often in surprising ways. Every part has their own tempo, their own fears, their own needs. We just have to be open to the possibility of making no progress with them on any given day. [^1]: [[📖 ✅ IFS Online Circle]] Month 2: The Protective System & Fears of the Protectors [^2]: [[📖 ✅ IFS Online Circle]] Month 5 - Parts of the Therapist and the Therapeutic Relationship + Integration - Month 5 with Richard Schwartz Continued [^3]: [[📖 ✅ IFS Online Circle]] Month 2: The Protective System & Fears of the Protectors - Month 3 with Toni Herbine-Blank [^4]: [[📖 ✅ IFS Online Circle]] Month 3: Working with Exiles & The Trauma Behind the Rage - Month 3 with Pam Krause