##### F4 — Feel Toward[^1] Step 4 of [[💡 The 6 Fs of Internal Family Systems]]. Previous Step: [[F3 — Flesh it out]] > [!NOTE] I keep this step in my back pocket > [[🔑 Presence does not bypass Protectors]], and [[🔑 If bypassed, protectors can and often will retaliate]]. Our [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]] will **always** let us know when we’re going somewhere they don’t want us to. We just need to be [[🕯️ Mindfulness|⭐️ mindful]] and practice listening and checking in, and this step is an excellent way to do that. I use it all the time throughout the day and it has changed my life. Notice the [[⭐️ Emotions|⭐️ feelings]] that arise in reaction to this part of you. What's coming up? Is your heart open to them, or do you want them to go away or stop what they're doing? Are you interested in getting to know them? Is there fear? There are a two questions you can ask yourself (or your client/partner) that can help you notice subtle [[💡 Parts|Parts]] you might be [[💡 Blending|blended]] with. [[🔑 Blending is a spectrum]] and [[🔑 We only need a critical mass of Self-energy|🔑 you only need a critical mass of Self-energy]]. Noticing these parts and respectfully asking them to trust you to be with your [[💡 Focal Part]] helps you access [[Qualities of Presence ☀️]] through parts [[🕯️ Unblending|unblending]]. It also creates a safe place for the [[💡 Focal Part]],[^2] because they know it's just you and them and no other parts are going to try to judge them, change them, or make them go away. ###### Question 1: How do you feel toward the part? If the answer falls outside of the [[Qualities of Presence ☀️]] or similar feelings, ask the parts who carry those [[⭐️ Emotions|⭐️ feelings]] to relax and give you some space so you can get to know your [[💡 Focal Part]]. If they're willing, thank them for their trust. It's possible there are other parts around, though. Turn back to the [[💡 Focal Part]] part and notice what [[⭐️ Emotions|⭐️ feelings]] are present now. If the answer now sounds like one or more of the [[Qualities of Presence ☀️]], move onto the next question. Otherwise, continue asking parts to trust you to talk to the part you'd intended to. If they refuse, that's okay. The part who refuses to step back becomes the [[💡 Focal Part]]. [[🔑 All parts have good reasons for everything they do]], including refusing to let you talk to the original part alone. When enough trust is built, they may tell you why. Start [[💡 The 6 Fs of Internal Family Systems]] over with this new [[💡 Focal Part]]. The wording of this question is deliberate. Asking "What do you think about this part?" or "How do you feel **about** this part?" can evoke analytical parts. Feeling *toward* is more about finding an opening to build a relationship with your [[💡 Focal Part]].[^1] > [!NOTE] Alternative phrasing > There are parts of me who don't like the way this question is phrased because they feel as if they're being set up to fail. Asking "How do **you** feel toward the part?" encourages [[💡 Blending|blending]] or identification with parts. If I answer the question as it's given it sometimes feels like "Nope, wrong, that's a part, not you!" and at least one part of me doesn't like that. > > Instead, I've opted to ask "What [[⭐️ Emotions|⭐️ feelings]] are you noticing toward this part?" It encourages [[🕯️ Unblending|unblending]] by taking an observing perspective, which makes it quite easy to notice multiple parts at one time. It's a kind of "Who's there?" question, a way of getting a head-count. This doesn't come from any IFS resource, I made it up. Feel free to ignore it completely. > [!NOTE]- Example > Let's, say we read something online and think "What a fool that person is." We're blended with a judgmental part. > > We might say "Okay, there's a judgmental part here. How do I feel toward them? I wish I hadn't said that, I'd rather think kindly." But [[🔑 Blending is a spectrum]] and rarely so obvious in the moment. If this happens suddenly and we're even more blended we might say, "Wow, that was judgy. Why am I so mean?!" > > Either response tells us we're blended with a part who is criticizing our judgmental part. > > We want to hear some language of differentiation, so we might turn to the part who judges the judge and ask them "I see you don't like this part. Would you mind stepping back so I can get to know them better?" We continue unblending until we hear at least one of the [[Qualities of Presence ☀️]]. > > But if a protector refuses to step back, that's okay, they don't trust Self enough yet. If the Judge won't step back, get to know the judge. If the critical part is afraid to let you interact with the Judge, get to know the critical part first until they're no longer afraid — *then* get to know the Judge. ###### Question 2: Can you be with the part exactly as it is without needing to change it? [[🔑 Presence has no agenda]], and [[🔑 All Parts are welcome exactly as they are]]. If you don't feel a need to change them, you can move on to nest step: [[F5 — BeFriend the Part]]. Even if you notice the [[Qualities of Presence ☀️]], If you do feel like you need to change them, even for the better, there is another pert here still. [[🔑 Presence has no agenda]]. It's important to be sure that whatever changes our [[💡 Focal Part]] experiences are changes that happen organically and not at the will of other parts. Our parts have agency and deserve respect. They have their own needs, their own dreams. Like before, ask the part to give space. If they agree, thank them and then see if you still feel a need to change your [[💡 Focal Part]]. If they refuse, they become the [[💡 Focal Part]]. Just get to know them and why they're afraid to let you talk to the other part, starting over with [[💡 The 6 Fs of Internal Family Systems]]. ###### Similar Questions - Is it okay to be here with this part? - Is anyone not okay with it? - Are there parts who don't feel ready for me to do this yet? - Do I have an agenda right now? - Do I feel like something *needs* to happen? - Do I have compassion so this part will stop feeling bad? - Am I trying to manage these feelings or make them go away? ###### After All Parts Give Space Let your [[💡 Focal Part]] know how you’re feeling toward them — whichever [[Qualities of Presence ☀️]] or similar feelings; you don't need to use the exact words, just whatever feels the most authentic and true. Just let them know and see how they react. Take your time here, really pay attention before moving on to the next step: [[F5 — BeFriend the Part]] [^1]: [[📖 ✅ IFS Online Circle]] Month 2: The Protective System & Fears of the Protectors [^2]: [[📖 ✅ IFS Online Circle]] Month 3: Working with Exiles & The Trauma Behind the Rage - Unpacking the Steps of Healing Part 1 & 2