#### F6 — Learn their Fears[^1] Step 6 of [[💡 The 6 Fs of Internal Family Systems]]. Previous Step: [[F5 — BeFriend the Part]] [[🔑 All parts have good reasons for everything they do]]. Many parts do what they do because [[🔑 Protectors do not like their jobs, but are afraid to stop|🔑 they're afraid of what might happen if they don't]]. Once a part feels safe enough with you, they might be willing to tell you what it is they're so afraid of, which is the reason they do this job. Learning a part's fears gives you the opportunity to show up for them. Work *with* your parts, not against them. Most parts are just kids (even if they look older) who're just [[🔑 There are no bad Parts|🔑 doing their best to help you]] and make sure that, however bad things might be, they don't get worse. They need someone to reassure them that moving toward [[☀️ Vulnerability|vulnerability]] is not just safe, but good and healing. This process is easiest and safest when you can help your parts feel as safe as you possibly can, and one of the ways you can do that is to learn what it is they're so afraid of. Because then you will know what to keep them safe *from*. ###### Questions Ask whichever question(s) feel most authentic to the moment. Go slowly and gently, really hear them out, take note and listen carefully. What are you afraid (might happen / I might feel) if... - ...you didn't do this anymore? - ...you don't try to help me this way? - ...you softened? - ...you allowed me to talk to this other part? If you get an answer, you might ask, ‘*How might that hurt me?*‘ ###### Understanding Answers Their answers tell you something about who they protect and/or who they're [[💡 Polarization|polarized]] with. [[🔑 All parts have good reasons for everything they do]] and these answers help you understand what those reasons are. You'll discover that their behaviors and fears make perfect sense. If it doesn't make sense, ask for some clarity, ask more questions. If it does make sense, tell them so. Repeat it back to them in your own words to make sure you get the full picture. - “I’m afraid you’ll feel…” tells you there is an [[💡 Exiles|exile]] who feels that way after a wounding event. - “I’m afraid you’ll be hurt/judged/controlled/harmed…” tells you there is an [[💡 Exiles|exile]] who was harmed this way. - “I’m afraid you’ll do x thing…” tells you they're [[💡 Polarization|polarized]] with another part who does that. See: [[🦮 How Polarizations soften and resolve]]. #### Validation and Reassurance Protectors and exiles both need validation and reassurance. ##### Protectors At this point, you're likely to have learned about an [[💡 Exiles|exile]] they're protecting. [[💡 Protector Parts]] have been doing their jobs for a long time and will need a good reason and lots of reassurance in order to feel safe enough to allow you to get close to the [[💡 Exiles|vulnerable parts]] they protect. They might let you immediately, and they might take days, weeks, or months to allow it and that's okay. One reassuring reason you can offer is the possibility that things can get better, that they won't have to work so hard or could maybe even stop doing this job if they don't want to do it anymore. They can finally do whatever it is they really want to — even if that thing is nothing at all. You can let them know that it doesn't have to be like this forever. That you can go to that part and help them. They may not believe things can get better, and that's okay. But can they be open to that possibility, even if it seems unlikely? ![[💡 Protector Parts#Common Protector Fears[ 2]] If the part is willing and interested in letting you try to heal the one they protect, they just need to give you some time and space to be with them for a little while. You might ask if they'd be willing to let you try if the [[💡 Exiles|wounded part]] agrees to not [[💡 Overwhelm|overwhelm]] you when they see you — [[🔑 Most parts can choose to not overwhelm us if asked]]. You may have to reassure several [[💡 Protector Parts|Protectors]], but if they do agree to step back and allow you to meet the [[💡 Exiles|exile]], you can get to know them through [[💡 The 6 Fs of Internal Family Systems]]. ##### Exiles When we reach this step with an [[💡 Exiles|exile]], they might have fears and questions of their own. ![[💡 Exiles#Common Exile Fears|Common exile fears]] Stay with them until they feel safe with you. Go slowly and softly. This can take a few minutes or weeks or (in extreme cases) months, because they've been alone for so long and may not trust people — especially adults. [[🔑 Go at your pace|🔑 Go at your their pace]], and the part will know when they feel connected enough and organically start to tell their story.[^2] When they're ready, move on to the next step: [[💡 Witnessing|witnessing]]. [^1]: [[📖 ✅ IFS Online Circle]] Month 2: The Protective System & Fears of the Protectors [^2]: [[📖 ✅ IFS Online Circle]] Month 3: Working with Exiles & The Trauma Behind the Rage - Month 3 with Pam Krause