🔼: [[🕯️ Integrity]], [[⭐️ Life Curation]], [[⭐️ Self-Care]], [[🕯️ Self-Stewardship]] ## 🕯️ Boundaries Boundaries are intentional, self-respecting choices that help us build, rebuild, or maintain our sense of self, alignment, or integrity. They protect our values and capacity (our energy, time, mental/emotional/physical health, our well-being), in acknowledgement of our limitations. This is a practice of being [[🕯️ Integrity|🕯️ authentic]] and [[Self-Inclusive|Self-Inclusive]]—by voicing our preferences, wants [[⭐ Values]] and [[⭐️ Needs]], engaging with the world in a way that respects our capacity, telling people how we want to be treated. It’s a way of telling someone what we need in order to be in a relationship with them that feels good to us. This is how we attract the people who are for us and filter the people who aren’t so that we’re able to relax, to say yes to something within our [[💡 Growth Zone|Growth Zone]], or just to be ourselves. It's how we [[⭐️ Self-Becoming|⭐ Individuate]] and live an aligned life. Boundaries are an essential facet of [[⭐️ Self-Care]]. %% They are what we do in response to something (because what we do is the only thing we can control) and require nothing on the other party's part. Wearing masks, gloves, eye protection, oven mitts, seatbelts – all of these are boundaries we draw to be in relationship with the world. So we can say yes to being with something or someone without getting sick, burned, overwhelmed, or otherwise hurt in the relationship. To make sure enough of our needs are met. Different people have different life-puzzles — we’re solving different problems to better steward ourselves. %% ###### Keys - [[🔑 Boundaries are bridges, not walls]] - [[🔑 Emotional pain reveals our limits]] - [[🔑 Go at your pace]], and our boundaries help us keep it. - [[🔑 Guilt is better than resentment, depletion, or burnout]]; if we are boundaryless, we will find ourselves frequently wanting or needing to retreat and isolate or in relational [[💡 Burnout|burnout]]. Others can *feel* like they drain our energy and we can feel resentful. But are we being drained, or are we just not respecting ourselves enough to set boundaries? - Most boundaries don’t get set and sustained by self-discipline or self-shame, but from self-respect, self-love. - 🔑 Boundaries are distinct from [[Requests]] - 🔑 If maintaining our boundaries in a relationship or saying yes to someone else’s is challenging, it’s a sign of low [[Compatibility]], that our boundaries don’t fit one another well enough. It does not mean that anyone is bad, unworthy, not enough, or too much. - Whether it’s with other people, technology, work, or anything else, **every relationship needs boundaries**. - Accepting a person's boundaries is an act of care - Accepting our own boundaries is an act of self care - It’s a way we honor our differences - Our caregivers teach us what our boundaries are. If we don’t know what our boundaries are, it’s because they were disrespected and violated over and over and over again. - someone with high support needs has likely had their boundaries violated - we can violate our own boundaries - [[🔑 Act from capacity]] - [[🔑 We build capacity by respecting our limits]] --- #### Social Boundaries >“*Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me at the same time.*” >—Prentis Hemphill Social Boundaries are a way for us to respect our own needs in a relationship. They exist to help us feel safe and cared for in environments where we can grow and thrive—they define the relational space in which we feel happy to be with others, and they define our [[💡 Window of Tolerance|Window of Tolerance]]. We keep people as close as we want to, and as far as we need to in order to maintain our sense of self and well-being. This will occasionally and temporarily disappoint or frustrate others, and that’s okay. The only person we never want to disappoint is ourself. When we're [[💡 Trauma|traumatized]] our boundaries are ruptured heavily and quickly, or slowly and repeatedly. If we’re accustomed to having our boundaries violated, [[💡 Guilt|guilt]] may arise even at the thought of setting them in new relationships. Boundaries are not how we change other people; they're a way we change our relationship to people in a way that feels good to us. Fundamental to being mindful of other people’s boundaries is to [[🔑 treat people the way they want to be treated]]. We can set boundaries around… - our technology use - the kind of media we expose ourselves to - our time and attention - our transparency about what we’re thinking or feeling - who, or what, we spend money on, and how much (or who we allow to spend money on us) - how much emotional labor we’re willing to do for someone, and who we do it for - what we share about ourselves and with whom - our body - physical closeness, touch, affection How is it okay or not okay for people to talk to you? To other people? What jokes are okay? Is it okay for people to touch you? To tease you? To give unsolicited advice? Are there certain worldviews or ways of being that feel safe or unsafe? Boundaries can be added to or adjusted as-needed. Some likely will change over time, it just depends on what nourishes and depletes us and how we feel about stuff. We might realize some are too rigid or too fluid as we start to see the world and people as not so [[💡 Black-and-White Thinking|Black-and-White]] and get a better sense of what’s really important to us. They often require some experimentation, trial-and-error, and iteration—one step at a time. The good news is [[🔑 many choices are reversible]]! ###### Keys - [[🔑 Boundaries are a prerequisite to compassion and empathy]] - [[🔑 Boundaries make healthy relationships stronger]] - [[🔑 We have a right and responsibility to say No]] - [[🔑 Don't stay where you don't want to be]] - 🔑 Boundaries can require financial independence, mutual respect, and safety. If the person you're setting boundaries with is both unsafe and inescapable, they're unlikely to work. - 🔑 If what someone calls a boundary has us feeling unloved and unsupported, we don’t necessarily have to put up with it. - 🔑 It's our job to know our boundaries. It’s the other’s job to know theirs. It’s our collective job to communicate them. - [[🔑 Don’t sweat people who aren’t in your inner circle]] - We want to know the consequence of someone overstepping our boundaries ahead of time, so that we aren’t caught off-guard having to consider it in real-time. It *will* happen, it’s inevitable even around the safest of people. “If someone does this, I will do that.” %%- Give from an overflowing cup.%% ##### 🦮 How to Set Boundaries Remember always: boundaries are not walls that separate us from others—they’re pathways to healthy relationships, ways others can connect with us. When our boundaries are respected, we [[⭐️ Co-Regulation|find comfort in the presence]] of that person, place, or thing or are able to find it by keeping a healthy distance. When boundaries are violated, we experience some kind of discomfort or [[💡 Emotional Dysregulation|dysregulation]]. Prolonged boundary violations lead us feeling depleted or even miserable as we lose our sense of self, and our heart is likely to close. We might become increasingly [[💡 Reactive Protectors|reactive]] or experience [[💡 Burnout|burnout]]. Boundaries are one of our [[⭐️ Needs]]; like all needs, we don’t decide them – we *discover* them by paying attention to our capacity and limitations. We *decide* whether we respect our capacities and limitations by setting and maintaining boundaries. If we want to maintain our connections with others, we need boundaries. If we don't want to be in connection with someone, we need one boundary: not keeping them in our lives. %% ###### Note Your Standards When we’re [[💡 Dating|Making New Connections]], our boundaries help us maintain our standards. [[Dealbreakers]]. Reflect on your [[⭐️ Needs]] and [[⭐ Values]] and consider what kinds of behaviors, attitudes, habits, or ways of being reflect that. When we know what our standards are, it’s easier to get an idea of who we might want to spend more time with and who we don’t. Otherwise we just need to be mindful our when our boundaries are crossed. This tells us when boundaries need to be set or enforced. %% Boundaries are… 1. …first felt internally 2. …then set externally ###### Sensing Capacity and Limitation Our [[⭐️ Emotions]] tell us when our capacity is being overdrawn crossed and need boundaries put in place, so this requires we [[🔑 Listen to your body|🔑 listen to our body]].⁠ This happens when we're getting too much or too little (for us) of something and stop feeling comfortable enough or happy enough. We might feel contorted inside, like we can’t be ourselves, like our light is dimming – we might even feel unsafe or [[💡 Emotional Dysregulation|dysregulated]]. If we notice these kinds of feelings, or if different [[💡 Parts|parts of ourselves]] are arguing with one another over whether something or someone is or isn’t safe, it’s a good time to check in with ourselves. - General discomfort could mean we need to set a boundary with the people directly around us or with ourselves, or to spend less time with certain people if they’re not willing to accommodate us. - [[💡 Resentment|Resentment]] tells us a boundary or need has either been violated or hasn't been communicated. We might have a [[🛡️ People-Pleasing]] or [[🛡️ Fawn|🛡️ Fawning]] protector part up. - [[💡 Anger|Anger]] might be telling us we‘re being treated in ways some [[💡 Parts|part of us]] doesn’t like. - [[💡 Annoyance|Annoyance]] tells us our needs likely weren't fully met, or we’re tolerating something for too long. - If we feel [[💡 Dread|Dread]] seeing someone, being in a situation or place, it’s a sign we would be wise to reflect on what we need and how we feel. - An over-developed sense of obligation or responsibility - [[💡 Polarization|Polarization]], reactivity, and distress. - [[💡 Enmeshment|Enmeshment]] See also: - [[⭐️ Emotions#⭐️ Emotions When Needs Are Not Satisfied|Emotions When Needs Are Not Satisfied]] - [[⭐️ Emotions#⭐️ Emotions When Needs Are Satisfied|Emotions When Needs Are Satisfied]] ###### Setting Boundaries People can only accommodate our capacities and limitations if they know what our boundaries are. When we are uncomfortable and say nothing or pretend like everything is just fine, we're [[🛡️ Fawn|🛡️ Fawning]] – we're neglecting our needs out of fear. The hard part: speaking up. Not just if, but how. Once we notice our boundaries have been pressed upon, it's time to communicate them. This requires us to be [[🕯️ Integrity|🕯️ authentic]], to [[🔑 tell and act the truth]]. Remember: [[🔑 we have no obligation to cope with what we can change]]. It’s often easiest to practice with people who we know *really* care about us – people who are most likely to be receptive, reflective, and self-aware. [[🔑 Boundaries make healthy relationships stronger]]. Consider: are they *trying* to cause harm, or do they not realize it? We're voicing the boundary regardless, but this matters. It's the difference between someone stomping on our foot versus absentmindedly stepping on it. This changes how we might respond, the words and tone we use to voice the boundary. Often boundaries are crossed accidentally, as an honest mistake, like when someone touches a sunburn they didn't know we have. Let the person know what's happened or just voice your needs. > [!example] Possible Responses > - "I know you're not trying to upset me, but I'm pretty sensitive to that and would rather not be around it." > - "I‘m really grateful you’re concerned and interested, but I'm not really looking for advice right now." > - "I know it's disappointing, I just don't have the time and energy for it today." "Not today, but maybe next time." > - "I don't feel like I can talk about this right now, let's try in a few hours." > - “You said you would do this, but you did something else instead, I’m feeling confused about that.” > - "I'd rather not." “I’m not a fan of that.” “That’s not my thing.” > - “I want to connect with you, but I can’t have this conversation right now.” > - Practice saying “no” and tolerating the discomfort that might arise. > - We don't have to be all-or-nothing with our boundaries. All of these are voicing a boundary, being [[🕯️ Integrity|🕯️ authentic]] about what we need to feel good about being somewhere or in connection with someone. Some people might have questions, which is normal. Whether we’re comfortable answering those questions is up to us, though it might be helpful to because it can give the person enough clarity to understand where we’re coming from. This is one of the ways we learn about each other, we’re teaching people how to care for us. If they’re up for making the adjustment, check in and notice how it feels. - Do they respect it? Do they care? Do they regret it? Is there remorse? - Are they being more careful, scooting over, changing the subject, apologizing? Does it seem to be sincere? - Are they being resentful or unkind about it? - Do we still feel safe enough with them to forgive it? Does the relationship need to change? Do we want to spend less time with them? --- Some people get resentful after boundaries are voiced because they feel hurt or [[💡 Shame|shame]] or [[💡 Fear|fear]]. Whether we decide to get compassionately curious about that or offer the person reassurance is up to us. Other people cross boundaries intentionally and aggressively, which warrants more force, distance, or even cutting ties with someone without argument. When we notice someone is hurting us, we don’t have to label them a monster. We can have the [[☀️ Clarity]] to see both that their actions arise out of their own hurt and that they’re hurting us. We can set boundaries as gently as we can but as forcefully as we must. > [!example] Possible Responses > - "I'm really not okay with the way you're treating me, and it needs to stop." > - "I can't be around you anymore if you keep doing this." > - We cannot control other people. It is okay to remove unsafe people from your life without explanation, without saying a word – especially if we feel genuinely unsafe. ###### When We Cross a Boundary Everyone’s boundaries are different—because we all have different preferences, temperaments, sensitivities, [[⭐️ Needs]], and [[⭐ Values]]. There may be a lot of overlap, but there are likely going to be differences with everyone we meet. Accommodating one another's boundaries is a big part of healthy connection. Sometimes we're the one who crosses a boundary—it happens. It can be difficult to respond to, especially in the moment. It can trigger [[💡 Fear|fear]] or [[💡 Shame|shame]]—"Am I bad? Did I do something wrong? Or are *they* bad?" [[💡 Reactive Protectors|Reactive Protector Parts]] sometimes immediately [[💡 Blending|blend]] and jump in and make the situation worse. For moments like this, even a short [[🕯️ Fire Drill (You-Turn)]] can be helpful before trying to [[🛠️ Repair]]. When we don't know what someone's boundaries are, we can ask. "You seem uncomfortable, would you rather not?" "Something feels off, did I say something hurtful? Are you feeling left out?" [[🔑 Treat people the way they want to be treated]]. %% > [!example] > That might look like not dumping our problems on a friend without asking if they’ve got the capacity and willingness to listen. This gives them the opportunity to protect their okayness and ourselves the opportunity to not share more than what feels comfortable and safe. %% If we’re not able to accommodate a person’s boundaries without violating our own or feeling depleted ourselves (or vice versa), that could be a sign of low [[Compatibility]]. It could also inspire one person or both people to work with a trigger or go to therapy or work through a Growth Edge. Sometimes it means spending less time together, changing the kind of relationship you have. Sometimes it means parting ways. This can be sad, and it’s no one’s fault. One of the reasons setting boundaries with others can be so hard is that *sometimes* it puts us directly in touch with [[💡 Grief|Grief]]—we feel a risk of rupture, hurt, rejection, or loss and the anticipated grief that might come after. It can feel easier and emotionally safer to just wish the person will read our minds and hearts and change on their own so we can have some guarantee of keeping the relationship as-is. Sometimes that fear of grief is credible, and sometimes we’re not trusting the resilience of the other person or the resilience of our connection with them. There’s also the fear of being seen as rejecting or abandoning someone, even when we’re really just wanting a healthier connection. Silence and wishful thinking spares us from the risk of rupture, of seeing how the other person actually responds when we voice our needs. It’s important to develop a relationship with that fear and grief so they don’t control the choices we make in relationships. Some ways to work with it: 1. [[🕯️ Being With]] – Preemptive grief often carries wisdom. It might be signaling a genuine [[Compatibility|incompatibility]] or simply [[Impermanence|the inevitability of change]]. Instead of pushing it away, letting it move through—crying, [[🕯️ journaling]], expressing it—can help it settle rather than fester as [[🛡️ Avoiding|avoidance]] or [[💡 Resentment|resentment]]. 2. Differentiate loss from fear of loss – Sometimes, the fear of losing someone is more painful than actual loss itself. The mind can spin stories of catastrophe, but in reality, relationships often shift rather than disappear entirely. Sitting with what is actually happening rather than what might happen can bring clarity. 3. Notice where attachment meets [[🛡️ Controlling|🛡️ Control]] – The desire for someone to change unprompted can come from a place of wanting to control the relationship dynamic. Recognizing that others, like us, have the right to be who they are can make boundary-setting feel more like self-respect than a power struggle. 4. Strengthen [[💡 Resilience|Resilience]] – If setting a boundary feels like it could bring catastrophe, it might be because too much safety, validation, or belonging is wrapped up in that one relationship. Nurturing other sources of connection, self-trust, and [[🛠 Self-Soothing]] can help losing any one of them feel less threatening. 5. Make space for ambivalence, uncertainty, and maybe – It’s okay to not want to let go of someone even if a boundary is necessary. There can be love and frustration, grief and relief, attachment and autonomy all at once. Holding those contradictions rather than needing to resolve them immediately can make space for more nuanced decisions. Looking through a [[💡 Parts|Parts]] lens can make this feel more natural—different parts of us can feel different ways about the same things. Explore [[🕯️ Sitting in I-Don’t-Know|🕯️ Tolerating Uncertainty]] and [[🦮 How to Hold Both]]. 6. Practice [[💡 Non-attachment|Non-Attachment]], not detachment – Non-attachment means appreciating and loving what is here without clinging or needing certainty about the future. It’s different from detachment, which is shutting down to avoid feeling. At its core, working with the fear of loss means trusting love and connection don’t disappear just because one particular relationship changes or ends. The grief might still be there, but sometimes it doesn’t have to be an end. %% ##### Nuances of Boundaries It can be helpful to imagine a connection as being made of two strings: one is our connection to them, and the other is their connection to us, each representing how fulfilled we are in the relationship, our resonance with them, the energy we give and receive through our side of it. It can sometimes be challenging to make a distinction between - ...adhering to a boundary versus [[🛡️ Avoiding|🛡️ Avoidance]]. - ...a place for boundaries and a ”growth edge” The distinction between them depends on the intention and outcome of the action. ###### Boundaries vs. Avoidance - Boundaries are intentional, self-respecting choices to protect one’s well-being, values, and capacity. They are rooted in self-awareness and self-care, aiming to preserve personal integrity or maintain healthy relationships. For example: - Declining an invitation because you need rest. - Limiting contact with someone who repeatedly disrespects your feelings. - Avoidance stems from fear, discomfort, or anxiety and often reflects an attempt to escape a Growth Edge or confrontation. It's [[💡 Reactive Protectors|reactive]] rather than intentional, and evasive rather than caring. For example: - Avoiding a difficult conversation out of fear of conflict. - Declining an invitation because social situations make you anxious. Key Questions to Discern: - Am I avoiding something because it’s harmful or because it feels uncomfortable? - Is this helping me with my needs, values, and capacity, or reinforcing fear? - Will this support long-term well-being, or just alleviate short-term discomfort? ###### Boundaries vs. Growth Edges Growth Edge is a place of challenge that invites expansion, learning, or healing. It often involves leaning into discomfort in a way that builds resilience or fosters connection. For example: - Having a vulnerable conversation to strengthen a relationship. - Trying something new that feels intimidating but aligns with your values or goals. - A boundary marks the limit of what is currently tolerable or sustainable, prioritizing safety, balance, or autonomy. For example: - Opting out of an activity that consistently leaves you drained. - Saying no to overextending yourself in ways that compromise your health or needs. - Overstimulation, depletion, burnout - Yes, Yes, Hell no - Pain we can say yes to because of meaning, challenge zone Key Questions to Discern: - Does this challenge align with my values or long-term goals? - Am I avoiding this because it’s genuinely harmful, or because it’s uncomfortable but meaningful? Is it something I want to say yes to? Or am I saying yes to it out of fear of what might happen if I don’t (saying yes under duress)? - Will crossing this boundary foster growth, or is it likely to cause overwhelm, harm, or resentment? - Am I setting this boundary to protect myself or to avoid stretching into a healthy challenge? ###### When Boundaries and Growth Edges Intersect It’s possible to both set a boundary and explore a growth edge simultaneously. For instance: - Example 1: You might need to set a boundary around a harmful dynamic with someone while simultaneously working on skills to express your needs assertively. - Example 2: You might decline an invitation to a large event (a boundary) but agree to meet one person from the event for coffee later (a growth edge). Balancing these requires self-awareness and compassion. The goal is to honor where you are while staying open to growth where it’s safe and meaningful. Regular reflection and gentle experimentation can help refine this balance over time %% ###### See Also %% Boundaries vs Needs/Requests. Can we voice our boundaries, respect one another’s boundaries, make requests for our needs, hear theirs out, and have enough of those needs fulfilled at the same time? (Whether the other is having enough of their needs met is for them to decide.) - Things we can do to make it easier - Things they can do to make it easier - Things both can do together to make it easier %% - Hailey Magee: [The person setting boundaries can be heartbroken, too](https://www.haileymagee.com/blog/the-person-setting-boundaries-can-be-heartbroken-too) - [[🦮 How to Get Out of a Low-Nurturance Environment]] - [[🕯️ Generative Conflict]] - [[🦮 How to Conclude a Relationship]] - [[💡 Guilt|Guilt]] - [[💡 Heartbreak|Heartbreak]] - [[💡 Burnout|Burnout]] - [[💡 Relational Intimacy|Relational Intimacy]] - [[🔑 Do it imperfectly]] [^1]: [[Heidi Priebe - Avoid Toxic Relationships By Setting These 5 Non-Negotiable Self-Boundaries]] [^2]: [[Heidi Priebe - When Boundaries HURT- How to Honor Your Needs Without Abandoning Others]]